and we’re sad she had to go

Twelve in12

Reading
Queen’s Play ~ Dorothy Dunnett
Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austen
Uther ~ Jack Whyte

Finished
Mirror, Mirror ~ Gregory Macguire
Witchling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Changeling ~ Yasmine Galenorn
Something Wicked ~ Catherine Mulvany
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince ~ J.K. Rowling
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows ~ J.K. Rowling
Myst: Book of Atrus ~ Rand Miller, Robyn Miller and David Wingrove
The Game of Kings ~ Dorothy Dunnett
The Other Boleyn Girl ~ Philippa Gregory

My roomie got me sick at some point this weekend and I’ve spent the past two days on my couch or in my bed. I can’t miss more classes tomorrow, but I still feel like absolute crap. The worst part is the sinus headaches I get, both from being so stuffed up and from being dehydrated. It prevents me from sleeping at night. Nyquil is really great for about 4 or 5 hours and then I’m wide awake with a pounding head. Its just not fun.

I’m getting a little tired of my roommate and her crap too. She complains about so much and then apologizes for complaining. Then apologizes for apologizing! There’s just only so much I can really take from her. She spent most of yesterday and today up in her room doing stuffs, which really was perfectly fine with me. I’m sick. I feel like shit. I don’t want to talk and hang out or anything. I want to be left alone in my misery. I want to get better and get over it all.

To be honest, that’s not really all that’s bothering me. But I don’t know what excatly is getting to me. Everything seems to annoy me and crawl under my skin. I should remind myself that I’ve got my period and that tends to throw me off balance. But… That’s just not it. I don’t know what or who I’m really missing. Because when I grab my phone in an attempt to find someone to fill whats missing, there’s no one I really want to talk to. I just want to disappear and end.

How exactly does this happen? How do I get to this point? I’ve got a cold. Big freaking deal. What is my problem? This is always my biggest struggle with this stupid disease. There is nothing wrong. So why can’t I just be left alone? Why am I hounded by these demons, these pervasive thoughts and nagging doubts? People would miss me if I was gone. I have purpose here. I have friends and loved ones and Cale and plently of things to live for, to go forward for. And yet there’s this desire to just jump. Just close my eyes and let go of everything.

She’s a Blue Ridge cradle
She’s a mother to some
And home to the laughter
Of road weary ones
So we’ll sing all the old songs
Sing to Grandmamma Road
And we’ll sing cause we miss her
And we’re sad she had to go

If I could see off this mountain
Through the clouds in my eyes
I would see off this mountain
On the nights stars fell
And see off this mountain
Through the tears in my eyes
I would see off this mountain
And the stars fell from the skies

In the air I hear a fiddle
Down along Hickory Way
And the mandolin guitar
Like we used to play
And down on Dunn’s rock
Brothers boasting a dare
We tell them they’re crazy
And pretend we don’t care

The air tastes like moonshine
In the wind a carnival tune
It soars with our laughter
But we’ll all leave too soon
So I raise a toast to family
Put thanks in my glass
In the arms of your loved ones
It’s the only home that lasts

If I could see off this mountain
Through the clouds in my eyes
I would see off this mountain
On the night the stars fell
And see off this mountain
Through the tears in my eyes
I could see off this mountain
When the stars fell from the skies
When the stars fell from the skies
Going up to Grandmamma Road

I’m happy as can be
‘Cause can’t you see
I’m going up to Grandmamma Road

See Off This Mountain ~ Edwin McCain