June 4, 2013

and some days i can’t even trust myself

I promise a gushy, picture laden, happy-go-lucky entry about Oregon and Manny and all the loveliness that is my life at this moment.

However, this is not that entry.

I’m depressed and anxious and worried. I don’t know exactly what has triggered me this time, but its happening. I’m to the point where I can’t worry about what triggered it all; I just need to get through it all. I took Monday and Tuesday off of work. This morning I forced myself to come into work. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing yet. I feel like I’m about to burst into tears or screams any moment. Its a high-wire act – balancing between ‘fake it till you make it’ and admitting there’s a problem. Sometimes all that’s needed is a stiff upper lip, squared shoulders and a step forward. Somewhere amid all the action and concentrating on one step in front of the other, I forget that I was freaking out. I forget that I’m losing my grip on reality.

Except that doesn’t always work. And then I’m left out in left field trying to figure out how to prevent myself from going spinning of the edge. I feel like I’m holding onto reality by the tips of my fingers. The worst part of all this really is that there is no trigger. I can’t figure out what started all this. Was it the copious amounts of rum I drank on Saturday night? Maybe. Was it talking to Tiffany about life and growing up and everything? Maybe. Was it drinking with Elijah again? I don’t think so, but let’s not rule anything out. Was it seeing my cousin about to step into adulthood, and start his college adventure? Maybe, but again I don’t think so. None of that really makes sense.

The email. That Pat sent out. She’s the Congregational Life Coordinator at church and she does parts of that incredibly well. Other parts, not so much. She sent out an email this past week about how one of our church members recently fell and while recovering she’s unable to leave her home. There’s also something going on with her granddaughter and this member is feeling depressed. She sent out this long expansive email about how we, as her church family, can surround her with encouragement and prayers and support, making sure she knows she’s not alone.

*Blink. Blink*

Wait. How come her depression is more important than mine? How come her depression and sadness are more acceptable to speak about than mine? Because she has a reason? Because its situational depression and not clinical depression? What utter bullshit! Depression is depression and it sucks either way. Just because some people go through it more often, it doesn’t mean we are really any better at dealing with it. It doesn’t mean we need less support and less encouragement and less prayer. Somehow though, Pat decides what is "appropriate" or not for the prayer chain. She only puts out those things that are easy to pray for. How do you support and encourage someone who is terrified of stepping outside their door, let alone allow anyone to come over and help her? Cards are sweet. Food would actually be a huge help, except that would involve interaction with people. Like I said earlier, its a balancing act – faking it can either help you make it or just make it worse. So sometimes being forced to open the door and smile is a good thing. Sometimes it can make the floor drop out from beneath you. I’m done ranting about it for now because I don’t know if the email really is what has set me off or not. But I know it definitely annoys me.

I also don’t know how much Manny knows. I do not fault him for knowing or not knowing because I know he’s stressed out about finishing this editing project. Which I’m a little annoyed about too. At first I thought he didn’t get the project until late in the week and therefore could not have worked on it before now. Except that’s not true. I don’t know how long he’s had it, but it wasn’t a last minute rush job. He had plenty of time and instead… well, he procrastinated. It doesn’t matter what he did, but he procrastinated. Why does it annoy me so much? Because I procrastinate too and sometimes have to blow deadlines or work through the night. So why is it okay for me and not for him? Well, its not okay for either of us but that’s another issue. His reaction to having to do all this work was to complain and bitch about how difficult it was and how he’s so impressed at how long he’s been editing and how this is an epic weekend of editing and how annoying are those who didn’t do things properly so now he has to fix them…. on and on. Its everyone else’s fault and he shoulders little to none of the responsibility. When I have to blow deadlines or work ridiculous hours, my reaction tends to be anger towards myself for doing this to myself. I get annoyed and pretty verbally abusive (all within my own head) about how I am smarter and better than this laziness. I beat up on myself, though usually silently. He was beating up on everyone except himself. Its really just a difference in how we are wired and how we deal with our bad decisions.

This is all besides the point, because I know that’s how he is. I just don’t know if he’s so focused and tunnel-visioned on the end of this project of his that he hasn’t realized what was really going on. I didn’t entirely realize it until Monday afternoon when I woke up. And coming into work today has honestly only made it worse. If I could afford it, I’d take the afternoon and return to hiding under my bed sheets. The thing with Manny is that he will say he knew something was up, which is bullshit. He knows nothing. And there’s really nothing he can do, so why destroy his day with the knowledge. I’m not about to go jump off a cliff. I’m still okay.

Megan and I have talked about how our definitions of "okay" are really skewed. "Not okay" means unable to dress, eat or move. It takes a lot for us to classify ourselves as "not okay". I was "not okay" Monday and Tuesday. I’m "okay" today. I showered, dressed and left the apartment. Maybe it was too much too fast. To go so quickly from not okay on Tuesday to so okay today. I feel like I’m forcing myself into rapid-cycling. Or else I’ll force myself into getting better. However, I don’t think that will be the case. I just don’t have the time or the money to be sick right now. To take the time I need to resort my life and priorities. I have to keep pressing forward. I can’t fall back now.

And what reason do I really have to "fall back" anyways? I suppose that’s the least important point, but the most annoying one. I can’t find my trigger.

Hey! Hey! Hey!
I don’t like walking around this old and empty house
So hold my hand, I’ll walk with you, my dear
The stairs creak as I sleep, it’s keeping me awake
It’s the house telling you to close your eyes

And some days I can’t even trust myself
It’s killing me to see you this way
‘Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey! Hey! Hey!

There’s an old voice in my head that’s holding me back
Well tell her that I miss our little talks
Soon it will be over and buried with our past
We used to play outside when we were young
And full of life and full of love.

Some days I feel like I’m wrong when I’m right
Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear
‘Cause though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey! Don’t listen to a word I say
Hey! The screams all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Hey! Hey!

You’re gone, gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All that’s left is the ghost of you.
Now we’re torn, torn, torn apart,
There’s nothing we can do
Just let me go we’ll meet again soon

Now wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I’ll see you when I fall asleep

Hey! Don’t listen to a word I say
Hey! The screams all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Don’t listen to a word I say
Hey! The screams all sound the same
Hey!

Though the truth may vary
This ship will carry our bodies safe to shore

Little Talks ~ Of Monsters and Men