and she’s not breathing back

I should write an entry since so much has happened lately, but I’ve been really busy. Shortened version:

I won tickets to see Matchbook Romance tonight at the Chance over the radio on Monday. It was so weird to hear my voice over the radio. And exciting cause now I don’t have to pay the 25 bucks for me and Kaba to go. Hopefully Mike will come up tonight too. Since I got free tickets I wouldn’t even mind paying for him (although his ship paycheck was really nice). I just want to see him.

Mom has been a bitch all week, so I’ve been trying to steer clear. Actually she’s really hyper and peppy in the morning and bitchy at night. I’m the opposite so we’ve been clashing.

Work is being hell. I hate that I can’t listen to music. It would help me concentrate so much better. Make the day go faster too.

I’m hoping Mike will come up tonight or sometime this week cause I want to see him. Not to do anything, but to actually talk to him and hang out with him. It would be nice to do something that was more along the lines of an actually date than a sexual rendevous in a town rec park. I just need that level of normality (is that even a word?) expecially with everything that is going on. I don’t really want a committed relationship or anything like that. I’ve never wanted that. But I want to feel like I’m more than a sex toy to him. Is that wrong? Am I being to crazy? I’m trying not to be a crazy kind of girl. I don’t know.

I was reading over my old diary entries, starting back when I was still at TOD. God, I was so immature and stupid. I can really see how I’ve changed and grown. Its nice to be able to look back at all the crazy things I’ve done. I can’t believe I’ve been on TOD/OD for almost 2 and 12 years now. It seems like a lot less. A lot less. But I started the diary just after I graduated and that was 2 years ago this past June. Seems like just a year ago. But so much has happened since then, I could almost say its been a lifetime since I graduated. I really have changed and grownup. Some things are still the same, which makes me depressed because it makes me think I’ll never change. Two years ago, about this time, I was really struggling with my faith and God. I still am, not much change there.

I got the letter from St. John’s with a job offer. It would be a nice supplement, but my gut reaction is not to take it. I love my church too much. It’s my family. There are things I don’t like about it and there are bad memories, but I love it anyways. Nevertheless, I’m going to a service at St. John’s on Sunday to see how I like it. Who knows? It may be excatly what I’m looking for….

I don’t feel the way I’ve ever felt.
I know.
I’m gonna smile and not get worried.
I try but it shows.

Anyone can make what I have built.
And better now
Anyone can find the same white pills.
that take my pain away.

It’s a lie. A kiss with open eyes
And she’s not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
(It takes my pain away)
Nevermind these are hurried times.
Oh oh oh
I can’t let it bother me.

I never thought I’d walk away from you.
I did.
But it’s a false sense of accomplishment.
Everytime time I quit

Anyone can see my every flaw.
It isn’t hard.
Anyone can say they’re above this all.
but it takes my pain away.

It’s a lie. A kiss with open eyes
And she’s not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
(It takes my pain away)
Nevermind these are hurried times.
Oh oh oh
I can’t let it bother me.

I can’t let it bother me.

It takes my pain away.

It’s a lie. A kiss with open eyes
And she’s not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
(It takes my pain away)
Nevermind these are hurried times.
Oh oh oh
I can’t let it bother me.

Pain ~ Jimmy Eat World