and now she’s shutting down

I hate Tuesdays. I passed out in the shower this morning, which was an adventure. I started to get dizzy and then my vision started to go, so I started to sit down. The next thing I know, I’m laying in the bottom of the tub, water falling all over me. I have no idea how I managed to do that without hurting myself. I was only out a few minutes cause when I finally got out of the shower, it wasn’t that much later than from when I went in. I think it was a mix of my head cold, the hot water and my hands being above my head (washing hair). I think my blood pressure just dropped and I went out. Anyways – I decided not to go to my lesson at that point because if holding my hands above my head made me pass out, I can’t even imagine what playing oboe would do. I sent Dr. Frobo an email telling her this. Now I’m up to like 4 out of 6 lessons missed. Unfortunatly I don’t really care all that much. I don’t like her and she really hasn’t done much to help me in anything, so yeah.

Then again, nothing is making me all that happy right now. The Guy and I went out chasing trains last night and that was good. Except he played some Debussy that made me cry, thinking about my grandfather. I don’t know why, but it just did. He asked me what was wrong and I said that I was extremely pissed at my grandfather. He asked why and I told him I didn’t really know. And I don’t. All I know is that it makes me extremly, violently angry when I think about him and his death. I know I’m angry about him not being able to make to my cousin’s wedding. But I can’t get more than that. I just get too upset and start crying and shaking. So The Guy got to see that last night, but it didn’t seem to freak him out too much. Before the railfanning, we had been talking online about my depression and the anhedonia. I think he didn’t really understand that I’m not just unhappy. He kept saying that everyone’s unhappy. nobody’s perfectly happy, everyone has problems, etc. All the usual stuff that people who don’t really understand try to say. I took some time and effort and explained to him what anhedonia was really like and how devastating it can be. I think he actually understands a little bit now. He still doesn’t quite understand, but its better. I still feel like I’m holding onto my sanity and my life with the tips of my fingernails. But I’m holding. The Guy and I made some more plans to go to Ohio this weekend. We’ll see if that really happens. I’m kind of not holding my breath, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Lulorial immed me after her rehearsal and asked if she could come over for dinner. She said she wanted food and but I was a better cook than her. It was kind of amusing. If I didn’t like her or want her around, I would say that she invited herself over and invaded. But it was perfectly okay. And The Guy had taken my car to rehearsal anyways, so he was over for dinner as well. Real food! Stuffing, mashed potatoes and kielbasa. And after dinner Lu and I made bread while The Guy watched West Wing. Actually I made bread and helped Lu by preventing her from messing it up. She likes to play with the dough, which is fine to a point. But eventually you have to leave it alone and let it rise. And we’re both a little crazed right now. So it was an interesting night. I think The Guy was getting a little annoyed with us because he was trying to pay attention to the show and we were being loud. But I want him to be HERE. Especially since he’s leaving in about three weeks. I want to spend as much time with him as possible. Which I think he’s actually starting to get.

But I can only deal with so much right now. In between making dinner, bread and watching West Wing, I also worked on the church services for Palm Sunday, Maundy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter. I wanted to do them all at once because they all run together and need to flow. I also wanted to figure out the questions I had so they could be sorted out sooner rather than later. I think most of my work is pretty much done now. There are still some small details to work out and iron out. But most of the hymns are picked and organized and the Good Friday service is done. I’m pretty sure that there won’t be much to change for that service. Easter and Palm Sunday as well are really all done. Maundy Thursday still needs some work, but a lot of other things are taken care of so its okay.

On top of everything right now, I got a call from the school counseling center. They said I have to go in and talk to them. They said somethings have been brought to their attention and I needed to see someone. I was going to go today, but well…I didn’t. I’ll try to go in tomorrow. I have orchestra rehearsal which I have to go to. Maybe I’ll go after rehearsal. Or maybe before. Depends when I wake up.

I know I’m having issues right now, but I’m locked into survival mode and I can’t deal with them right now. There is only so much I can handle and accept. The rest just can’t matter. Except that they have to. I’m not going to classes, I have no money and I’m literally watching my world self-destruct. I’m desperately trying to save what I can. But I can’t save everything. I can’t fix everything. I can only deal with so much. If I start thinking about how much I don’t want to touch my oboe again or how much I don’t want to keep going, I just fall apart. I have to pretend that everything is okay or else nothing is okay. I keep making plans for the future, keep pushing forward cause I’m terrified of what happens when I stop going forward. I’m terrified of what happens when I start to backtrack and try to fix what I’ve screwed up. I can’t. I completly fall apart. I can’t talk to my mother or my father because it just hurts too much. I can already hear the disappointment and terror in their voices. Shouldn’t I know better? Shouldn’t I have been able to get help sooner? Shouldn’t I have been able to make it through this? I’m supposed to be smarter, stronger, more capable this time around. I should be able to ask for help. I should be able to make this better. I should be able to beat this. I should be better. So why aren’t I?

A long day
If ever these questions were yours what would you say
you don’t know
but I’m writing the answers on cheap paper napkins
and now he’s turning off
and now she’s shutting down

and it’s not what it seems
nothings the same when you give it away
no its not what it seems
it’s just what you think it is

and these fights
they climb through my veins like its mecury rising
and these nights
I seem to remember a home that was better
and now he’s turning off
and now she’s shutting down

and its not what it seems
nothings the same when you give it away
no its not what it seems
its just what you think it is

and now he’s turning off
his family’s breaking down

and it’s not what it seems
nothings the same when you give it away
no it’s not what it seems
its just what you think it is
just what you think it is

no its not what it seems
nothings the same when you give it away
no its not what it seems
it’s just what you think it is
just what you think it is

it’s just what you think it is
what you think it is
<BR>
Not What It Seems ~ Something Corporate