and let me hurt you again

The events of these past two years have been intense.  For the most part, I’ve been shoving a lot of it away from my mind.  But I feel like I need to articulate this somehow.

There was a writer here on OD who I was friends with.  He raped another OD friend.  I couldn’t believe it, and yet I could.  It rocked me to my core.  Around the same time, my uncle was arrested for child pornography.  There were cameras in his tanning bed and his step-son’s room.  I couldn’t believe it, and yet again I could.  Two people I cared for and loved who crossed a line and betrayed the people they claimed to love.

I couldn’t deal with it all.  I had only been told about my uncle because I used to go visit him often.  My family, his family, didn’t know how his wife would react if I tried to call or show up and wanted to warn me.  So I stayed away and picked up pieces of information from the edges of conversations and tried not to ask too many questions.  I did the same with this OD writer.  I was angry at them, and dealing with too much on my own plate.  I couldn’t process it all, let alone find a way to deal with it.

I talked with my pastor about how difficult this all was, at least my uncle’s part of the story.  It is made more difficult for me, because this incarcerated uncle is related to the upstanding, pastor jackass uncle who lives in here in town.  My grandmother had made the royal decree that no one outside the family should know.  So I could not openly talk to anyone at my church about this.  I’ve finally broken down and told a few people, including my pastor.  He gave me a good perspective and a few books which I haven’t read but I have thumbed through.

Eventually my uncle’s case went to court and he was sentenced to four years in prison.  At some point during this time, his wife made a decision not to leave him, but to stay with him.  Her family is furious and refuses to have anything to do with her now.  It was only by the grace of God that she had the strength to forgive him and on top of that, to stay with him.  She’s struggling to make ends meet while he sits in jail.  He’s been diagnosed with sex addiction and bipolar disorder.  Just like with me, things snapped into focus a bit.  His behavior and decisions made more sense.  He refuses to use them as an excuse for his behavior though, and freely admits how wrong he was.  He knows he made the choice and he must pay the consequences.

After a quick Thanksgiving visit to my aunt, I started writing my uncle letters in jail.  I wrote and rewrote that first letter many, many times.  I finally settled on the version that was the hardest to write, but was easily the most true.  I told him I was incredibly angry with him and his decision.  I told him how much he hurt me and the family.  I told him I didn’t know where this would go, but the truth remained that I loved him.  He was still my uncle and my flesh and blood and regardless of that, I still loved him.  He wrote back and asked for forgiveness for his actions.  He knew that there was nothing he could say or do to take back everything that had happened.  He knew he would need to work hard to earn any semblance of trust back.  But he was sorry and asking for forgiveness, thankful I had reached out but not blaming me if I did not again.  He asked me to help support his wife, not financially but emotionally and spiritually.  She was doing this all alone now that her family had abandoned her, and my family was… well, my family.  It doesn’t fix everything overnight, and when he gets out of prison, things will be flipped all over again.  But I feel a peace settling over me about this situation.  It will be figured out.  And I stand by the decisions I’ve made while dealing with it all.  The process is not done, but its what it is for now.  And I’m okay with it.

The OD writer is another matter, and has been weighing heavily on my mind.  It has come to the forefront with a recently written article about the matter.  From those two authors, I’ve learned how to change my thinking when it comes to rape victims, and the tendency of our society and culture to blame the victim.  I’ve learned new language which helps me express what I believe about personal responsibility and the violation of someone’s right to that responsibility.  So there has been a positive thing that came of this.

When the whole ordeal happened, I reached out to the victim as best I could, though my attempts were flimsy and awkward I’m sure.  I knew her through others here on OD, but had never really gotten to know HER.  I shut out the rapist from my world the best I could.  At that time, I could not deal with it and just tried to move forward with my life.  I know that a lot of relationships here on OD were changed because of his actions and decisions.  I know that some of my relationships were changed.  But we’ve all managed to move forward.  Except there is a black hole in my mind’s picture of the story, concerning the rapist himself.  I don’t know how to fill it in.

I want to be able to forgive him.  It is what Christ calls on me to do, forgive seventy times seven times over and over.  Except I don’t know what that looks like.  When I first forgave my uncle, I was not ready to let him back into my life and my world.  That came later and took more time.  I did forgive him, but forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.  I also do not want to say I forgive with my mouth but know the ugly truth in my heart and head is the opposite.

I still haven’t been able to sort out what to do with this person from OD.  I cannot bear the idea of letting him back into my life.  Forgiveness does not mean reconciliation.  There has also been no admission of guilt or action of true remorse, as far as I know.  Because I shut out so much of what was happening, I don’t know all the details of what did happen following the rape.  And quite honestly, I don’t really want to know.  I don’t need to know.  He didn’t rape me, and its none of my business!  Even if it was my business, I still don’t want to know.  But is that attitude really appropriate?  Like a small child playing Hide N’ Seek, am I hoping the ugliness will go away if I squeeze my eyes tightly closed enough?  Am I hurting others by my silence and perceived disinterest?

I’m struggling with this a lot, clearly.  The issue for me is also not just this person from OD.  My high school band teacher raped a student, a friend of mine, and took advantage of another student, another friend.  He was someone I loved and admired and looked up to, and my feelings towards him are still a mess.  There is so much anger and resentment and distrust.  Even if I did speak to either of them, could I really believe anything they said?  Would I even WANT to speak to them again, except to scream and cry and attempt to hurt them as much as they hurt me?

Like I said, its a mess.  The OD incident has merely opened old woundsconcerning my old band teacher.  It all raises questions about forgiveness and reconciliation in other parts of my life.  Other problems with my family that are in need of inspection and evaluation.  But I need to work through this, because right now I’m hurting.  And if there’s something I can do to stop hurting, without hurting others, I’d like to try.  Or at least figure it out.
 

I never seem to find a reason
To let you in again, or forgive you
I’m sick of feeling like I need you
Knowing I never did, but I miss you
Taking and breaking and hating
I remember all you said to me now
Taking and breaking and hating
My memories are all stained again

Let me get inside your head
Let me show you I’m prepared
Let me stick my needles in
And let me hurt you again

I never reach my indecision
To let you see again all I give you
I’m sick of feeding your attention,
Knowing I never did. I distress you
Taking and breaking and hating
I remember all you said to me now
Faking, forsaking and failing
My memories are all stained again

Let me get inside your head
Let me show you I’m prepared
Let me stick my needles in
And let me hurt you again

Fuck you for killing me
Me.
Fuck you for killing me
Me.

Yeah. Let me get inside your head
Let me show you I’m prepared
Let me stick my needles in
And let me hurt you again
Again.

Fuck you for killing me!

Needles ~ Seether