and i’ll find strength in pain

I’m finally back with my kitty.  A lot of things happened over my trip back east, some of which I already wrote about and some which I may never write about and some which I want to get down.  This is going to be a little all over the place…

I’ve had a lot of issues with my old church back in NY.  I feel like I’m becoming one of the crazy, ranting people who left the church when the pastor first came.  But things are no longer just out of whack or slightly off – They are down right heretical.  And I can’t do nothing.  I love that place too much to let it just… suffer and be led astray.  I didn’t plan it or think about it, but I did something about it.  It wasn’t just for me, but it was my decision and based in my belief.  I didn’t take communion on Ash Wednesday.  There were too many heresies, and I just couldn’t do it.  The thing about it, and the thing that made it difficult was that everyone saw it.  I didn’t just not take communion, I refused it.  We were doing intinction and I was playing oboe.  The plan was toward the end for me to stop playing and go forward.  I didn’t.  My mother looked at me and I shook my head.  A number of choir members, trying to help, did the same and I shook my head again.  The pastor looked at me and offered and I shook my head again.  I didn’t know I was going to do that until I was doing it, and then I knew it was the right thing to do.  I can’t talk about it more right now.  I’m too tired and I don’t want to cry.  But I did cry during the service when it hit me what I had done.  Yah, new topic.

I’m moving back east.  The light at the end of the tunnel has been clicked on.  I don’t know how far away it is, but its on for sure.  There’s a lot of reasons.  I don’t want to be so far from my parents anymore.  My mom’s surgery was scary and incredibly hard that I couldn’t be home for her and it, even a moment.  And the fact that I went more than a year without seeing my father is not okay with me.  Call me a baby, call me a daddy’s girl, call me tied up with apron strings – I don’t care.  I love my parents and I do not like being so far from them.  I also don’t like being so far from my friends.  The safety and comfort that comes with those friends is something that I cannot live without anymore.  And there’s no reason that I have to either.  

I would be lying if I said Mike and Nathan weren’t also a part of the decision.  I missed my flight today – I swear not on purpose! – but it gave me about ten extra hours.  Gina came and we went to lunch and to camp.  During lunch, we talked about Nathan and me.  I’m upset that I couldn’t see him last night.  Not mad, but more than just sad.  I was upset.  Gina offered to drive me to his work so we could talk.  Nathan even said I could go visit him if I wanted.  I wanted nothing more, which is why I didn’t go.  No, that doesn’t make sense until you put it in context.  What was I really going to say to him?  Even if he told me he did want a relationship, the fact remains that I’m still in Michigan at the moment.  I won’t be back east until October at the very very earliest and that is a bit unrealistic in my mind.  I do not want to give a relationship with Nathan a try until we can do it properly.  If we even decide to try.  But while I’m out here, my answer is no.  I’m not doing long-distance.  So while I really wanted to see Nathan last night, it was really for the best.  Because I’m still in Michigan.  The same applies to Mike, but in a different way.  I’m terrified of losing Nathan as a friend if this all goes south.  Mike and I are what we are right now, and what we do, we do really well.  If that changes at some point, so be it.  But I know for sure it won’t change while I’m in Michigan.

God I really hate going to bed alone.

It’s empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you’ve left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I’ll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker’s land

So make your siren’s call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it’s meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won’t let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I’ll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I’ll know my name as it’s called again

The Cave ~ Mumford and Sons