and i fell heavy into your arms

I was stuck on Thursday.  I was hurting and couldn’t figure out how to make things better.  I didn’t even know what I wanted him to do.  I was stuck.  "Professor, can’t you see…"  Like a comedian who can’t finish the joke.

He told me that a lot of what happened was that he lost his temper, because of absolutely nothing I was saying.  He alluded that something had happened before, something he wanted to tell me about but not right now.  When I started talking, it touched on that nerve and he started getting upset and defensive and angry.  At that point, there was nothing I could have done or said to make it better.  His claws were out and he was angry and defensive.  He got to a point where he was just yelling at me.  Ten minutes he yelled into the phone that I had no right to dictate his friendships and that I’m disrespecting his life and forcing him to chose between his friends and me and how it was unfair that I wanted him to prove his love again and again and that his happiness had to be important to him… and on and on he went.  I stopped engaging at that point because I could see there was nothing left to do.  Nothing was going to talk him out of being angry.  Eventually he shouted himself hoarse and calmed down to the point of being able to say that he was sorry he yelled.  But the damage had been done at that point.

I was the one who pointed out to him on Thursday that he lost his temper.  It was as simple as that – and incredibly complicated, but still very simple.  He lost his temper.  He agreed and said he hasn’t done that in a very long time.  He told me that it didn’t have as much to do with what I was saying as this thing that happened to him in the past.  It was one of his "hot button" topics.  I told him I didn’t expect him to just roll over and give up his friends (male or female) for me.  I told him that part of this did have to do with us geographically and physically being so far apart.  However, I did not expect him to get that upset.  I did not expect him to lose his temper.  I did not expect him to become so defensive, I was forced into the offensive/attack position without ever wanting that.  

I told him that as he ranted and raged on about how it was illogical and irrational and unreasonable, that translated into him telling me my feelings were invalid and unimportant.  As he tried to rationally construct all the reasons why it wasn’t a big deal, he was invalidating my feelings.  He said that made his stomach completely drop when I texted that because he never meant to do that.

I’m not sure, and I didn’t say it at this point, but I don’t know if he understands why that is such a big deal to me.  I so very rarely do things based on just my feelings or emotions.  Being bipolar, I’ve learned not to trust my feelings.  They lie all the time.  They tell me things are hopeless and jumping off a bridge is the only option.  They tell me I’m worthless and stupid and ugly.  They make me feel sad when I should be happy and happy when I should cry.  I don’t trust my feelings, because they can be so fleeting.  However, I’ve also learned that feelings do have a place and ignoring them entirely is not wise either.  There has to be a balance.  However, for me to admit to him that I was upset and hurt by his actions even though I may not have a rational reason to feel so – that was a HUGE step forward in faith for me.  At some point, he and I will talk about that – but that’s a Pandora’s box for another time.

I also told him that not defining our relationship was making things difficult.  Because it took me two weeks to decide if I was going to tell him.  I wasn’t sure I had the right to be upset and tell him that he was hurting me.  That somehow it was making me jealous.  If this happened in January and I was upset and jealous, I would not have said anything to him.  I had no claim on him.  He had no claim on me.  However, we were just friends in January.  Now we’re somewhere between friends and a couple.  Sliding along the ice at a breakneck speed, but still not yet there.  If we were married, I’d have no issue saying something to him.  If he was my Boyfriend, I would have no issue.  But we’re not there yet, except we’re further than Just Friends.

He said this is exactly what he was trying to avoid.  This is why he hates that we are on pause.  He said he made himself a promise a long time ago not to have another long-distance relationship.  There is too much that is missing when you’re far apart from each other.  I agree with him, but we’re not on pause.  I’m not going back to NY at some point in the future.  I will be back in NY in August.  And we’ll see each other in May.  When we last dated in college, he was in Savannah and I was in New York and neither of us really knew what would happen next.  It was an amorphous and ambiguous future.  This was not the case at this point.  I will be in NY in August.  We don’t need to have all the discussions right now, and like him, I’d rather wait until we could see each other.  Tuesday night when the phone call ended, the only thing I really wanted was to lie down in his arms and hold him.  Yes, we were both still mad and upset, but that didn’t mean we stopped loving each other.  There was a huge lack in being able to be so hurt and angry but not comforted.  By Thursday, thats why I was so stuck, at least part of it.  He had asked me what he could do to make me feel better, to help.  And my only thought was "just hold me."  I didn’t want to talk about it anymore; I had really nothing left to say.  However, I didn’t not want to talk either.  I knew the only way to move forward was to talk to him, but what I really wanted was for him to hold me.  Long-distance sucks, but this too shall pass.  It won’t last forever and we know when it will end.

He said he did understand what I was saying about Alex and we would figure something out.  He said he did really hear that I wasn’t trying to control his friendships or dictate his life.  He said he was sorry he lost his temper.  So the initial issues I’m okay with.  My intention in telling him was not to dictate his life or his actions.  My intention was to tell him about something he did that upset me, so that we could talk about it and figure it out.  It was so that we could discuss it and figure it out and find the lines.

So that’s finally settled down.  I do have two new concerns from all this though.  He lost his temper.  I get that.  It happens.  This is not the first time he’s lost his temper with me.  I’ve never lost my temper with him.  His temper doesn’t really scare me because he’s never seen my temper, which I get from my father.  He said he was so mad he almost punched a wall.  When I lose my temper, I don’t almost punch walls – I really break things.  I snapped the railing off the staircase in our house once when I lost my temper.  I ripped apart a chair once. I dented my car another time (just from hitting it with my body in a rage).  So his temper doesn’t scare me.  It never has scared me.  I think if he saw me in full on rage, he’d understand why I work so incredibly hard to control my temper.  I’ve learned how to disengage when I feel my temperature rising.  I’ve learned the warning signs, but also how to step back and let the rage flow over me and pass.  I don’t deny the anger (thats never good), but I don’t allow it to take over.  At least I try extremely hard… maybe a little harder than he tries.  Now thats not fair and I know it.  I’d never say that to him, but he’s got to learn to control his temper.  I think because his temper generally is not as destructive as mine, he’s never had a really driving reason to attempt to control it.  Perhaps its also because he’s not a woman.  Chemically and physiologically, men and women are different.  Women deal with a menstrual cycle and waves of various chemicals being released into their system completely against their control.  I once lost my temper while deep in the insanity that comes with a menstrual cycle.  It was not pretty.  So maybe I’m more inclined to control my temper.  He needs to figure out how to deal with it, because yelling at me like that is not okay.  

My other concern is an old one that I know he and I will deal with continually.  He holds back.  He shuts me out.  He doesn’t want to hurt me, therefore he doesn’t say anything.  He closes off that part of himself.  I’ve told him I don’t want him to do that, and he’s gotten a lot better.  But at the end of the phone call on Tuesday night, he was flat out refusing to talk to me about what he was thinking and feeling and processing.  On one level, I understand because I do the same thing.  I need some time to sort out my thoughts before engaging.  Except eventually, I will engage.  He still hasn’t told me everything.  This is not me being crazy, he told me he hasn’t told me everything.  He hasn’t explained why he lost his temper or why this was such a hot button topic.  So I still feel like I’m walking about a minefield.  I’m not sure why that was a hot button topic, so what else might possibly be a "hot button" topic?  If I had known, I could have handled and approached it differently.

I told him I think one of our biggest hurdles in this relationship will be that we don’t know each other quite as well as we think we do.  We know each other so incredibly well, but there is a lot we don’t know.  He realized later that one of the reasons he kept getting angrier was that he was mad I didn’t understand why he was mad to begin with.  I should know him better.  It made me chuckle lightly because I felt that he should have known me better too, which is why I got angry at the end too.

This is the hard part of relationships, but we’re learning and we’re getting there.  Things are better, although I definitely still feel a little sore and raw from this week.  More than anything right now, I wish I could go crawl into bed with him and cuddle.  Just lay next to him and let him hold me.  I will wait though.

Well, I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we’ve known
Will blow away with this new sun


But I’ll kneel down,
Wait for now
And I’ll kneel down,
Know my ground


And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you


So break my step
And relent
Well, you forgave and I won’t forget
Know what we’ve seen
And him with less
Now in some way shake the excess


‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you


Now I’ll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies


And I’ll kneel down,
Wait for now
I’ll kneel down,
Know my ground


Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow


‘Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

I Will Wait ~ Mumford & Sons