and i don’t even need your love

I’ve been having one of those weeks.  Where the loneliness and heartache come crashing over me with every breath.  People are getting married, people are having babies and families.  And I’m alone.  I don’t feel stuck.  In fact, my secret plan to escape Michigan is… well, still only a plan but its there!  I don’t feel stuck or weighed down by the future.  I’m just lonely.  I’m thinking of the men I’ve loved and how it didn’t work out.  I’ve heard people say things like "that was somebody I used to love" or "I just stopped loving them".  That seemed to be… cheap to me.  I never wanted to use the word love lightly and hurt somebody because I was casual with the word.  As a result, I’ve never taken it back.  I’ve never told a man I loved him one day, only to take it back another day.  I still love everyone in one way or another.  To me, thats part of love being unconditional, everlasting… agape.  It doesn’t ask or demand for anything in return.  It just loves.

Which is separate from being in a relationship or committing your life to another person or trust or loyalty or dependency.  Those all require something back. But for me, love doesn’t.  It just loves.

*****

If anyone asks me today, I’ll tell them I’m fine and things are good.  Busy, but good.  I can laugh at Kevin’s jokes and poke fun at Tori and Jacki.  I can act like I don’t have a care in the world.  But there is a tight little ball of anger and loneliness and pain sitting in my chest.  Except I don’t want to walk around angry and lonely, so I’m ignoring that little ball and just going to keep smiling and moving through.  The circle of people I trust is so small out here.

I had dinner with Laura the other night, and we had a great time.  Even bought a new purse at Kohl’s for 50% off.  But on my drive over, I realized I don’t completely open up with Laura, or my co-workers or really anyone out here.  I have this ball of pain caused by absolutely nothing and absolutely everything.  Which is selfish and greedy and pointless.  So I grin and bear it.  I smile through the pain and wonder who will be able to see what’s really going on.  The answer is no one.  I’ve considered calling someone not here.  But I don’t even want to complain to anyone and bring them down.  There’s nothing to fix and nothing to get over.  Worse, there’s nothing I need to be distracted away from.  I’m just… lonely.

I want to try something though.  I’m working Monday night and be into church Tuesday morning.  I’m considering going walking between those two things.  I’ll be up massively early anyways, and why not?  Its light enough outside at 7:30 in the morning.  I just downloaded a book from Audible.com, one that I know I’ll like since I’ve already read it and have wanted it on audio for a while.  So I’ll put it onto my iPod and go for an early morning walk.

I’ve been trying to ascertain why I never felt this lonely growing up, and I realise it was because i escaped into books.  The Babysitter’s Club were my best friends; the Little House on the Prairie was my backyard; and as I got older my friends changed to Rumpole and Sherlock Holmes.  I want to get back to my books, my old friends.  I just never have time anymore.  So this is my attempt to reconcile that.  We’ll see how it goes.  

Either way, I need to compartmentalize things back into their boxes and proper places.  And stop thinking about somebody that I used to know.

Now and then I think of when we were together 
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die 
Told myself that you were right for me 
But felt so lonely in your company 
But that was love and it’s an ache I still remember 

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness 
Like resignation to the end, always the end 
So when we found that we could not make sense 
Well you said that we would still be friends 
But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over 

But you didn’t have to cut me off 
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing 
And I don’t even need your love 
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough 
No you didn’t have to stoop so low 
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number 
I guess that I don’t need that though 
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know 

Now you’re just somebody that I used to know 
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know 

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over 
Part of me believing it was always something that I’d done 
But I don’t wanna live that way 
Reading into every word you say 
You said that you could let it go 
And I wouldn’t catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know 

But you didn’t have to cut me off 
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing 
And I don’t even need your love 
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough 
And you didn’t have to stoop so low 
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number 
I guess that I don’t need that though 
Now you’re just somebody that I used to know 

Somebody 
(I used to know) 
Somebody 
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know) 

(I used to know) 
(That I used to know) 
(I used to know) 
Somebody

Somebody I Used to Know ~ Gotyeow you’re just somebody that I used to know 

Somebody 
(I used to know) 
Somebody 
(Now you’re just somebody that I used to know) 

(I used to know) 
(That I used to know) 
(I used to know) 
Somebody

Somebody I Used to Know ~ Gotye