and can you lie next to her

There’s quite a bit I want to write but I only have about 20 minutes before Clarissa shows up for her shift.  Maybe I can jet out of here, grab breakfast and write it before next job starts.  We’ll see.  But here’s to start.

TEXT:  "You are one of the few people in my life that I feel we can pick up right were we left off no matter how long it’s been."

Later in a phone conversation:  "You’ve always appeared and disappeared in and out of my life.  But I’m not sure I’m okay with that anymore."

This followed the sexting, which was fun as always.  And then a question about kids – did I want them, could I have them, why did I go off birth control, what would happen if we got pregnant…  Which led into a question about that internal aging clock that neither of us can seem to escape…

I had things to do tonight at work.  Things for church.  A service to rewrite, which didn’t happen, and files to go through – not so much.  I also wanted to work on the audit spreadsheet manual.  Not a word jotted down.  It took most of my strength and effort not to break down and cry.

I know part of it was coming off this weekend and Ann’s wedding and the hurt feelings and insane amounts of alcohol consumed with Matt.  Part of it was the fact that I’m on my period and my emotions are all sorts of jumbled and messed up.  Coupled with Lulorial and Larlar’s wedding the weekend before, the fact that I haven’t slept much lately and that I won’t be able to sleep much in the future…  It was a bit of the perfect storm for a few tears and a bit of a breakdown.

And now its time for some very, very tough questions.  What do I really want?  Am I really ready for all this?  I’ve been hurt and abandoned too many times in too many ways to be able to completely trust anybody.  Manny forced his way in through sheer force of will.  But I don’t know if I can open myself up to that depth again.  I don’t know how someone can do so without the… all-out war Manny had to rage against the castle.

Do I trust Mike?  He’s not being casual with this in the least bit.  He will not treat it lightly, and the fact that he’s being so honest and open about how much he still doesn’t know makes me believe he’s telling the truth more than not.  Ugh!  This is the tight-rope high-wire balancing act.  I can hear the responses to this question already.  If Mike really was the one, you’d know.  You wouldn’t be questioning it, yourself or him.  But I also believe thats a load of bullshit on some level.

If my parents had met when my mother was ten and my father was eight, would they have known?  I don’t think so.  Its not just the right person, its the right time too.  Maybe this is the right time.

I also have major, gigantic, enormous trust issues that run further and deeper into my core than I even know myself.  Which makes me doubt and question not only myself but anything anyone says to me.  But there comes a moment.  A choice.  You can take that leap of faith and trust someone, or you can stay standing on your own little island by yourself.

Trust has never come up with Mike.  At least not the trust issue this deep.  Not a leap this far with so much at stake.

I talked with Clarissa about all this, and I’m pretty much at the point where I need to figure out what I want and move from there.  And right now, I need to do my church work.  Then at noon I can leave (HA!), call Megan and sort this thing out further.

But quickly…  The faith issue is an issue.  Except I’ve never met someone like Mike who completely accepts me, flaws and all.  Manny might try to argue the point, but I have too many memories of him trying to fix me.  Mike has never seen me as broken; imperfect and flawed, but not broken.  And one of my biggest struggles with my faith is how much I love the broken things.  How much I love the imperfect, flawed things.  Christ promises that we will be made perfect and whole in Him.  Okay.  But I like my flaws and imperfections.  The mars and scars which tell my story.  If he takes all that away, won’t I be no different than anyone else?  And doesn’t the Psalms say we are beautifully and wonderfully made.  Aren’t we individual and unique?  Or are we… "all part of the same compost pile."

Watching Andrew and Ann get married made me think.  They can see each other’s flaws (at least I hope they can!), but their love for each other transforms them into something without flaws.  They make each other better and rise above the flaws.  Somehow there’s a link to Christ and what he does for us.  That through His love and sacrifice, we are no longer flawed.  Except, perhaps the flaws are still there.  The story and truth of the past are still there.  But the pain and suffering is gone.

I had that analogy worked out better in my head.  I’ll have to try again later when I’m not rushed to get to church work.  Still…  so many questions…

Can you lie next to her
And give her your heart, your heart
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
And confess your love, your love
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before the king
And say I’m clean, I’m clean

But tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh, tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

So tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart
Oh tell me now, where was my fault
In loving you with my whole heart

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life
Oh, lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life

White Blank Page ~ Mumford & Sons