an upside down conversation that no one understood

i’m sorry for snapping at you last night
i figured you would be pissed
but i was pretty pissed too
still kinda am pissed
i was probably more frustrated and annoyed than pissed
and just a tiny bit stressed
i only want to be honest
sometimes it seems like you are never satisfied
you are home and you get annoyed
cause you can’t do the same kind of work
you get done down in savannah
you say you are wasting your time up here
it makes me feel like you are wasting time with me
time that you could be doing better things
like i’m not important to you
i feel like you don’t want to be here with me and with the gang
i know you felt so isolated and it was horrible
but thats how i feel every time i hang out with the gang
like i’m there, but i’m really not
just extra baggage they have to carry around
so don’t complain to me about being displaced
its my entire relationship with them
mistakes with you and displaced moments

i know you can never come home again
you went away for long stretches of time
and that distances you from the gang
i went away and just when
i was starting to make friends
and set roots down out there
i came home
my mentor was in jail
my friends all more than 500 miles away
and no one to turn to
I know you feel displaced and isolated
and left out in the cold
and thats cause you left – no fault of yours
its just life

and its yet again me and my fault
people died on you but people died on me too
and i know what thats like
i’ve lost more people than i can stand to think
i’ve lost enough people to never forget that pain
and i know its tough
and it never gets better no matter what they say

i guess it is just my fault
i’m not very sensitive or sympathetic right now
there’s a lot of stuff going on right now
and i don’t want help or sympathy or advice
but it just seems like you are overthinking everything
but and please just hear me out
and this won’t be easy to hear or for me to say
but it seems like you don’t always realize what you do and say
how it affects other people, how it affects me
sometimes you really do
you are intune with everyone and their needs
and maybe its just the side of you
i get to see cause we are so close
do you realize how guilty you make me feel
all your problems and issues and anger
is all because of me and whatever i did to you
you’re making me live with the daily reminder
of what a screw-up i am, how i failed
have you forgiven me yet
cause it doesn’t feel like it
have you really let go of the past
you lecture me on that all the time
but have you ever taken your own advice
you don’t seem to let me let go of the past
and i’m trying so desperatly to let go
i know i’ve screwed up in the past and i still do now
but i’m trying to stop overthinking things
and i’m trying to just live

and i completely lost my train of thought

i guess the point is
we’re all growing up and we’re all moving apart
and no matter how close we were in the past
at some point we just fade away
there will still be things that tie you forever together
but you can’t hold on forever
you gotta grow up and move on
and it hurts and its painful and it rarely gets any better
maybe thats the pessimist view but its true
it feels like you are trying to hold onto too many things

no one seemed to understand why i didn’t just come out
and ask you to come home for my mom’s party
i was trying to let you go a little bit
so that we can both move on and grow up
i know that when we are 80 years old
i’ll still be able to call you and talk
we’ll have our connection – it will always be there
but you gotta let yourself let go a little bit
you gotta let yourself grow up a little bit
you gotta let me go