an uneven trade for the real world

How long am I expected to keep this up? My roommate, Melissa has pulled a “Tim-Heather.” What I mean is that she has decided to hate me. There’s no other way to explain it or get around it. She’s just decided that I’m not worth her time, let alone her respect. This all happened just before Fall Break. Jenn came to me with a problem in the apartment and a solution that would help all three of us. I thought it was a good idea. So Jenn went to Mel. Who flipped out and told Jenn she didn’t want to live with us anymore and she hated me and nothing in the world would make her change. And so now there is a stony cold hatred that flows from her to I. I don’t know what to do around her. I’m fine with people not liking me and whatever. Its just how things are. With so many people in the world, some of them are bound not to like you. But she and I were fine. At least, I thought we were fine. Then all of a sudden, she’s decided that I’m the biggest bitch in the world and she just doesn’t like me. Well not just that, she flat out hates me and never wants to talk to me ever again.

Wow. Does that sound familiar or what? Its different than with Tim or Heather because my relationship before the “flip” is very different. I was so much closer with Tim and Heather. Mel and I have never been that close. We both sort of tried, but it just never worked all that well. I don’t really know why, but that didn’t really matter. We didn’t need to be best friends to live together. I thought we would be fine. Evidently I was wrong. So now the apartment is this weird place to be. I’ve been trying to stay out of her way for the most part. I don’t care that she does or doesn’t like me, but it would be a lot easier to ignore each other if we didn’t live in the same apartment. She just has the ability to make me feel like crap.

I’m trying so hard not to stoop to her level. I don’t want to treat her like crap or be bitchy, but its so hard. I want to hurt her. I want to make her feel as horrible as I do. I want her to slink back under the rock she climbed out from. I remember feeling this way about Tim. In fact, I still feel this way about Tim. I want to claw his eyes out and pull out his fingernails to stuff them into his heart. I want them to feel the pain they have inflicted on me. I want them to truly understand the hell they are putting me through. Actually I want them to understand the hell tenfold.

But I’m a better person than that. I’m a bigger person than that. At least thats what everyone, including myself, keeps saying. But I really don’t know how much longer I can stand living like this.

Actually, I do.

I’ll live like this the whole semester. I’ll close off from the world and everyone in it. I’ll go to my uncle’s every chance I get and to Ohio often too. I know Jimmy and Jeremy would love to see me. I’ve been sick the past week, so nothing has really bothered me other than the incompetent doctors. But now that I’m getting healthy its getting uncomfortable again. And I don’t want to retreat into myself. I don’t like how I am when that happens. I don’t like what happens to me.

I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I… I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun
Always warm on my back
Somehow it seems colder now

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I… I want to go back to
Believing in everything

[Latin hymn:]
Iesu, Rex admirabilis
Et triumphator nobilis,
Dulcedo ineffabilis,
Totus desiderabilis.

Where has my heart gone
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I… I want to go back to
Believing in everything
Oh, Where

Where has my heart gone
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger
Oh I… I want to go back to
Believing in everything

I still remember.

Field of Innocence ~ Evanescence