am i sleeping with my eyes wide

I went to a recital this afternoon, and I really really didn’t want to.  My social anxiety is sometimes nearly too much to handle.  I ran out right after the reception was over.  Stopped at the bank to deposit some checks and pick-up milk and cereal.  I also got come chamomile tea, hopefully to help calm my nerves.  I did dishes, made some tea and sat down to relax for a little bit.  I basically passed out on my couch holding my teacup.  Thankfully it didn’t spill.  I woke a few times and turned off the TV and lights.  My anxiety was definitely lowered.

Except I had a nightmare.  I don’t remember the last time I had so bad of a nightmare.  It was random and strange, but somehow terrifying.  I was at my parents’ house with my mom.  It was evening and my dad wasn’t home, though I don’t know where he was.  We heard something strange outside in the driveway and I went out to check it out.  There was a man in a tan Dodge van stealing gas from our cars.  My mom told me to leave him alone; she had already tried talking to him.  I didn’t listen to her and went outside to confront him.  He was pleasant, but refused to stop or pay for the gas he was taking.  There was something about how his car ran out of gas and he just needed a little bit to get him to a gas station.  I kept insisting he pay us but he just refused.  It was very odd.  I went back inside, locking the doors and trying to figure out what to do.  Went back outside and confronted him again.  He was still nice, but colder.  Eventually I got him mad enough that he basically chased me back into the house, and tried to come inside.  I don’t know what he would do, because he hadn’t really threatened me with a weapon or anything.  But I was still afraid.  He was right on my heels and nearly made it inside with me.  He was tall, but thin and didn’t seem to have much muscle.  Throught sheer weight I was able to close the door on him and lock it.  He got into his van and left, but would circle back around the neighborhood.  I called the cops, who didn’t seem to be really helpful.  He stopped in my neighbor’s yard for a bit and now I could see more people in the van with him.  The cops said they would send a trooper to look for the guy, but what could they really do?  How do you catch a guy who stole gas?  This is what they were telling me.  For some reason, I was really scared had closed all the blinds in the house, so the guy couldn’t see I called the cops.  (No, I don’t know how this makes sense, but it does.)  I became increasingly worried that he would try to get inside the house by pretending to be the cop, and I couldn’t look outside because he would somehow know.  My next worry was the fact that my father was due home.  I was scared the guy would try to hurt him or follow him into the house.  I called my dad and warned him, but like the cops, he didn’t seem to take me seriously.  I screwed up the courage to peek out the window.  The men from the van were walking around on the lawn, and I could see my dad’s car coming over the hill.  Behind him was the van.

Then I woke up.

So scared, I was shaking.  I desperately tried to fall back asleep to somehow save my dad.  It took me a little bit to realize it was a dream and I was alone in my apartment.  I’m not usually unnerved by being alone in my apartment.  The thiness of the walls, which allows so much noise and distraction from my neighbor’s to get through, also provides a level of comfort.  If I screamed, they would hear me.  I don’t know exactly what they would do, but I believe they would at least call the landlord, if not the cops.  But it was midnight and I couldn’t hear anyone stirring.  Besides, the man wasn’t here.  He wasn’t real.  I had nothing to really scream about.  Still, I was nervous and jumpy.  I needed to be comforted.  I texted Manny, but he wasn’t awake or didn’t respond.

I considered the fact that the tea might have done this to me, but I made another cup anyways and decided to write it all out.  Somehow, this makes it seem less real.  The details become fuzzy and fears in the dream become less.   Voilà.  I feel better.  At least better enough to go back to sleep.

Am I sleeping with my eyes wide? 
Am I alone?
Am I staring into bright lights?
Have I gone home?

I must be dreaming when I’m sitting here
at someone else’s door.
Am I sleeping with my eyes wide?
Won’t you let me know.

Will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside?
Will I wake to find you waiting by my side?
Will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside?
Will I wake to find you waiting by my side?

Am I sleeping with my eyes wide?
Am I alone?
Am I following the lines on,
a face that’s never shown?

I wanna see your hairline, your cheekbones, your
red lips,’n cell phone.
Won’t you let me know?

Will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside?
Will I wake to find you waiting by my side?
Will I wake to find you waiting by my bedside?
Will I wake to find you waiting by my side?

Sleep ~ Copeland