Alone

I have figured something out about myself.
I won’t do it with people around. I won’t do it when I know no one will find me either. I want to live. I truly do. I just get so frustrated and I don’t really know what to do. Its hard to explain. I can’t do it when I’m not sure someone won’t find me. But I also can’t do it with someone sitting right there. I guess basically I don’t really want to die. So why the hell do I go through all of it? All these feelings and horrible things inside my head don’t go away with these realizations. I’m just trying right now to make it one day at a time. I’m not ready to look to the future. I’m not sure I can make it that far. I need to wait until I am more sure of that.

The worst of all this is the feeling and basis in truth that no one understands what I’m going through. I already know Settle completly doesn’t understand. I know Heather does understand. I know Manny tries to understand, but he and I aren’t talking. Megan has her own issues to deal with. I know she might understand, but its literally day to day crap that is hard to explain to someone in AZ. And no one in the gang really knows me well enough to understand. Russ might, but he and I are just getting to know each other. I trust him truly, but this…this is different and deeper than trust. And that is it. I don’t really trust anyone in the lounge yet. Well, its not that I don’t trust them. It’s just that I don’t know them well enough yet. Oboe Stephen is cool. But I only see him once a week. And I dunno. Its just not enough to be able to really talk to him. Matt….well Matt is getting on my nerves right now. Big-headed asshole. And Alexis is dealing with her own stuff. I can’t expect her to help. She has way too much.
So I am alone. And I am trying but it is still very hard and frustrating.
At least Russ helped me today…I swear he is my happiness and my favorite person today.