after all, what is it worth?

DISCLAIMER: I just reread a section of this and realized this entry is just me bitching about everything that’s been annoying me lately. Some of it may seem stupid and immature, but I need to get it off my chest or else I’m going to explode.

So tonight was the Chamber Orchestra Concert, which was really good. Its always a long concert, but it was nice to sit in the back and not play for once. Afterwards most of the orchestra went to the White Inn for drinks and fun. Laura, James and I got there a little early to warn Dustin of the incoming crazies. Once Sarah and Kelly got there, we took over our usual booth. Sarah planned on getting hammered, but I was driving so I decided to nurse my drink as opposed to drinking fast and cutting myself off. I can certainly drink much more than most and still drive home okay, but people don’t always want to ride with me when I’ve had a few. Which is their choice and I don’t mind. They need to feel comfortable with me driving them and I understand that. But on the flip side, I don’t need a mother and I know how much is too much. I actually know where the line is before its too much, and I can decide if I’m going to cross it or not. Everytime I go out with Laura, she mothers me. She’s constantly checking how much I’ve had to drink and asking if I’m going to be okay to drive. I understand its her life she’s placing in my hands, but I nursed one drink for almost two hours before getting a second one. So that started to get a little on my nerves.

I’ve also realized that I have groups of friends. I can’t hang out with all my friends all at the same time. Sarah hates… well, most everyone. She absolutly can keep her mouth shut and behave, but I know she’s not having fun and I’ll have to hear her bitch about it later. Our orchestra conductor and one of the composers of a piece premiered that night was at the Inn. They were sitting at a different table with Baboon and some other people I don’t particularly care for. But I did want to hang out with them for a little while. Even Sarah said she wanted to go over there. But when we did, she didn’t have much to say. To be honest, neither did I. To some degree, I was out of my leauge. This conductor and composer have rubbed shoulders with some famous musicians in their time. They were sharing stories and well… other things that I found amusing. But Sarah could have cared less. And she didn’t seem to get that I did want to hear them. Or understand how in the world I could have been interested in them. Baboon is also not 100% evil. I think only 80% evil and the rest is just stupid. Too much boobs, not enough brain. But for the most part, I don’t mind hanging out with her in small amounts of time. She would catch my eye every once in a while and we would smile about something, and then Sarah would whisper something cruel in my ear. Something that was mostly true, but still. I don’t bitch about the time I spend with Baboon, so why should Sarah care if I hang out with her or if I’m friends with her? I do want to keep some distance between me and her because Baboon tends to make bad decisions and I don’t want to get caught up in them. But I don’t mind her really. I generally like to get along with everyone. Or at least be able to sit around a table and get along for a few hours.

James and Laura both annoyed me tonight. First, James is always a tag along. I don’t mind him some of the time, but he doesn’t always know when to quit. One of the nights the oboes were at the Inn, there was a long funny, but messy incident involving the salt and sugar packets on the table. Sarah was drunk enough and doing fine amusing herself. But James tried to make her do it again. I wanted to smack him. It made a huge mess that I know Dustin had to clean up. Why would you want to do that again? James also tries to make jokes, but his timing is off or something. I get what he’s trying to say or do, but it never really works out right. It ends up being stupid or mean instead of funny, and makes me want to smack him instead of laugh at him. He thinks he knows the Small Brain Oboes so well, but he really doesn’t. He just thinks he does. That was one of Manny’s biggest faults, acting like he knows everything. James doesn’t know all and he doesn’t get it all. When we were getting ready to leave, Sam was catching a ride with us. They were taking pictures of those who played in the concert. Sam was one of those people. So Sarah, Laura, James and I are standing in the lobby waiting for Sam to finish. Sarah and Laura were fine sitting on the couch. But James starts to shout at Sam. I turned and told him to knock it off. Sam was talking to the composer, just saying goodnight and to the other people there. That was fine. I didn’t mind at all. But James kept yelling, rather loudly and directly next to my ear. So I had to turn and nearly smack James to make him stop. I don’t know if its because he was drunk or what his problem was. But I’m the driver. I’m the one who decides when we leave. I didn’t mind waiting for Sam – I understood what he was doing. Besides the fact that I’m a big girl and I can collar guys all on my own. If I wanted Sam to come right away, I would have gotten him. I don’t need James to do it for me. He tends to do that – try to take care of me in ways that I don’t need to be taken care of. I’m not made of porcelin or glass. So he was pretty far under my skin tonight.

Laura was annoying because she’s loud. She can’t keep her voice low. And when we were sitting at the table, after Pat and Sam joined us, she was leaning so far forward, I felt like I was excluded from the group. I couldn’t see Sarah or Kelly and Laura kept waving her hands in front of me, so I couldn’t even see Sam. That booth is really good because its big and curved and if everyone sits back like normal people, we can all see and hear each other. But for whatever reason, she was leaning forward and talking so loudly. By the time we went to join the other group, I literally had a headache from her. She also invades my personal space too much. There weren’t quite enough chairs so some of us were standing for a bit. But she kept following me where ever I went to stand. And not just standing next to me, but like on top of me. So I would move and she would follow. It just got under my skin.

Maybe I’m just PMSing or something, but everyone seemed to be annoying the hell out of me tonight. Just little things that they do. The worst was the realization that my friends don’t get along across the board. Sarah doesn’t like James and Kelly thinks he’s creepy. They don’t like Baboon, but Sam and Patrick do. D doesn’t like me, but Scott does. Bonnie and I are fine, but not when Andy is around. It makes hanging out in a group larger than two create way too much drama. Why can’t everyone just get along and get over themselves? I know there was always drama in the old crew from the post-high school years. But we could all manage to go to a party or concert and have a good time. At least most of the time. The drama was kept pretty low-key. And my New Year’s Eve parties have never had any real problems. For one night, everyone can get over themselves and just get along. We’re there to have a good time and we do. I don’t understand why its so hard for the people here to accomplish that. I don’t know if its the maturity level or lack thereof, but its starting to get annoying.

And yes, I’m still bitching….

Frobo has me changing my oboe sound and two things are happening. I can’t always hear the change she’s asking me to make or I don’t like it. I have listened to enough oboists that I know what I like and what I don’t like. What she has me doing makes a tone color I don’t like. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m humoring her until Doc gets back. Its fine if she thinks thats a good sound, but I don’t like it. For example, she thinks she taught me how to use throat vibrato. I already knew how I to do it; I choose not to use it because I don’t like how it sounds. She also wants me to vibrate on every single note. That is a John Mack teaching. He was a great performer and it worked for him and his students. But I don’t like that. I think it sounds like a warbling old lady soprano. I purposely don’t vibrate on every note because I think it sounds BAD! Its not a mistake I’m making, its a conscience choice. So that annoys me a little because she thinks she’s making me sound so much better. But she’s making my sound thinner and warbly. One more lesson with her and then I’m done! I can not wait!

Considering that its nearly 2am and I’m actually tired (and done bitching) I’m going to try to go to bed!

Sometimes I like to get away from this maddening shroud
Sometimes, I’ll have you know, it’s all insane
Maybe it’s time for me to jack it in
Maybe it’s time for me to track it in
Maybe it’s time for me to halt

Oh, I’ve got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
Oh, I’ve got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth?

Sometimes I like to get away from the saddening crowd
Sometimes I feel my life is all in vain
Maybe it’s time for me to jack it in
Maybe it’s time for me to track it in
Maybe it’s time for me to halt

Oh, I’ve got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
Oh, I’ve got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth?

Some days my strength walks out
Some days I can’t go out
It is for real
We can walk about
We can work it over
And over and over

I’ve got a good mind to throw it all away
Throw it all away
Throw it all away
I’ve got a good mind to throw it all away
After all, what is it worth?

Maddening Shroud ~ Frou Frou