accusation, does yes mean no?

Its hard to write in here sometimes because of the relationships I have built and created here. I don’t like letting people down and this entry may let some of you down. But this is my diary and I want to get this out. I’m sorry if I’ve let you down. I’m sorry if this upsets you. I know I could write this on private and not let any of you read it, but I’d rather not. So here it is…..

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I haven’t been on my medication for quite a while now. I actually don’t remember when I stopped, its been that long. Sometime after school started. I’ve never been able to explain why I do this. I’m not anyone who isn’t bipolar can really understand. There is an author/psychiatrist who has written books about being bipolar, from the point of view of someone who is bipolar. It was the first time I’ve felt like someone actually understood me. It was the first time in a long time I haven’t felt like a freak. There is no way to explain how it feels unless you’ve been through it, and her book really affected me. Anyways, I’m not taking my meds – thats the point of that little blurb.

Its been interesting to almost watch myself fall down into this hole. I should really make some detailed notes about whats going on in my head while I do this. Its almost like I’m putting myself through an expirement now that I know all that I know. And I wanted to see if I could do it. I really shouldn’t kid myself cause I can’t and I know I can’t. I’m watching myself make all the same mistakes and screw-ups that I do when I’m off my meds. I’ve been fighting with Manny on and off (which is partly the meds and partly Manny). I’ve been skipping classes the past few weeks. And not like missing a class here or there, but like I haven’t been to any classes since before Thanksgiving. I’ve been sitting at home, watching TV and being depressed. Although its not full-blown depression and I know that too. Its strangly interesting to watch myself do this. I become obsessive about the strangest things. Its not an instant impact kind of thing and its not everything. But its a buildup of thinking and overthinking over the stupidest things.

I think last nights obsessing over my quotes struck me. I realized if I’m obsessing over anything I should be obessessing over school. So I took my meds and I’ve spent most of the afternoon and evening studying. I emailed my professors and told them I’ve been having some health problems, which is true. I asked them about what I missed and I plan on spending tomorrow and Friday working my ass off and getting everything done, so I can start fresh on Monday. My psych prof and english prof know that I’m bipolar, so I don’t know if they are going to be clued into the fact that was the problem, but I kinda don’t care. I’m going to work hard and make everything up that needs to be made up. I’m back on the meds, so I’m going to watch things turn back around. I want to go to Fredonia, and I don’t want to screw it all up again. This is something that I really want – not for anyone else, just for me.

Manny immed me the other night and really pissed me off. He’s arrogant. I’ve been saying this for a long time, but I can never seem to say it to his face. I probably should. I know part of the reason we broke up was my bipolarism, but that wasn’t all there was. He’s really arrogant. I mean, annoyingly make-me-want-to-hurl-chairs-at-his-head arrogant. He won’t admit when he’s wrong, even when confronted with the proof of his errors. He also has this annoying way of…well basically being a smart ass. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a smart ass too, but not like he is. For example, classic classic example. One of our random anniversaries he sent me flowers. He got Brian to go out buy flowers and bring them over. It was really really sweet. But when I called to thank him (and basically just say hi), his answer was “Well, I knew I had to get you flowers so you wouldn’t get pissed at me.” Was I wrong to be fighting the desire to throw them in the trash and scream at him? For whatever reason, I didn’t at the time. Yes, I’m being very girly and unforgetting about this all, but its just a great example of what he does. He has this way of cheapening what could be really nice things. Do I think that he would really buy me flowers for no reason other than he thinks about me all the time? No. But if he would let me think that, everything would be a lot simpler. He knows that if he buys me flowers and chocolates (and coffee) I’ll be happy and less likely to get upset with him. Like Megan said, Rick lets her think that he spends all his time at work thinking about her and rushes home to spend time with her. She knows this isn’t true. He knows she knows. But that little illusion makes things a bit smoother. Think about it…..

RICK
I’m home.

MEGAN
Welcome home, dear. How was your day?

RICK
It was ok. I’m glad to be home with you.

MEGAN
I’m glad you’re home, too. Can I get you some dinner?

RICK
I love your food. Thanks so much. Maybe after dinner we can get to bed early.

I’m sure you can all imagine why they are going to bed early. Now maybe after a while, that will get old and it will change somewhat, but compare it to this scenario.

RICK
I’m home. How was your day?

MEGAN
Welcome home, dear. Your daughters cried all afternoon and didn’t take a nap.

RICK
Well, I had to deal with stupid bankers all day long. All I want is to play my X-box and eat. What’s for dinner?

MEGAN
I forgot your dinner. I’ve been busy with the girls.

I’m sure you can all imagine the argument that would follow. That little illusion just makes things somewhat smoother for the both of them. Manny would say it’s lying and its not true. He would say stuff like that would destroy a relationship. He would rather be completly and brutally honest than create that illusion. I’m not sure how its quite an illusion when they both know its an illusion. Anyways, I’m bitching and I know it. He just makes me so mad sometimes. Like, for example, when I’m on my period and in a bitchy mood, the last thing I need is him telling me “Wow, you’re in a bitchy mood. Must be on your period.” Stuff like that makes me want to smack him.

I was telling my mom all about his stupiness and she said “Why do you talk to him if he makes you this upset? Just don’t.” For some reason, that never occured to me. I mean, it has in the past, but it feels like I couldn’t really do that. He and I have both said for so long that we are going to be friends forever. Eighty years old and we’ll still be sitting on the porch arguing over things. I guess in some ways I see it, but other ways I can’t.

I think I’m afraid that I’m going to be Sally and he’s my Harry. They both had other relationships – I mean Harry actually got married! – and they still ended up together. I’m terrified that is going to be me and him. I’m more terrified that he thinks that is going to be me and him. He’s said it a few times, that he knows our future from that movie. I don’t know why I don’t just ignore his IMs and his phone calls and basically get him out of my life.

Megan gets why. Its th