A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins

We buried my grandfather on Friday. At a cemetary in Jersey that has crept around my nightmares for years. My great-grandfather is buried there as well. I know where my imagination gets its cemetary from now.

How impossibly hard it must be. To bury your father and 15 years later bury your husband in the same graveyard. Or your grandfather and your father. Or your great-grandfather and your grandfather. I know the last one. But I was too young to really remember Pop-pop. I have these little snippets of memories. Like someone went through and cut up my life on film, leaving only a few snapshots of my great-grandfather. I’m going back on Saturday. Maybe everything will be less surreal.

It was peaceful. The service was short and Father Dan spoke beautifully. Again I am reminded of how alone I am in the world. My parents both have siblings. My mother may have lost her father, but she had three other people who are going through the same thing around her. They all lost the same man. They all called him the same. They stood at his casket and held each other up as sobs racked their bodies.

Who will hold me up when my father dies? I have no siblings. No one who knew what it was like to call him Dad. I will be standing at that casket alone.

I think that is why I’m taking this all so hard. I’m constantly reminded of my solitude. I pretend not to be upset. I force out the smile and a laugh. But then I see my grandmother’s hunched back struggling to rise from the pew. Next to her is the empty seat of a man whose hand would have helped her up. She has to stand alone. Hold the bulletin and balance the hymnal. I can’t even pretend to smile. Grandmas are the strongest people in the world. Tough as nails. Looking at the frail, white haired woman in my living room, you wouldn’t know that to be true, but it is. She is tough and determined to make it. She refuses to sit at home and mope for days or even hours. Go north? Whatever for! Its only a little hurricane.

She’ll make it. And I will too. I’m not afraid right now. Not scared of not being able to do this. I’m afraid of the future. I watch my mom and her brother taking care of the other siblings. Especially my bi-polar uncle. I’m bipolar. What happens when my dad dies? Who will take care of me?

I know I’m overreacting. Because my father isn’t going to die tomorrow. But its another reminder of how alone I am. It is yet another thing to remind me that no one knows how I feel.

And too bad none of this makes sense….

Your lipstick, his collar.. don’t bother Angel
I know exactly what goes on

When everything you’ll get is
everything that you’ve wanted, princess
well which would you prefer
My finger on the trigger, or
Me face down, down across your floor
Me face down, down across your floor
Me face down, down across your floor
Well just so long as this thing’s loaded

And will you tell all your friends
you’ve got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin
And will you tell all your friends
you’ve got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin
let’s go…

Don’t bother trying to explain Angel
I know exactly what goes on when you’re rolling.
How about I’m outside of your window
(how about I’m outside of your window)
Watchin him keep the details covered
You’re such a sucker (you’re such a sucker)
for a sweet talker, yeah

And will you tell all your friends
you’ve got your gun to my head,
this all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin
(the only thing I regret is that I, I never let you hold me back)
And will you tell all your friends
you’ve got your gun to my head
This all was only wishful thinkin,
this all was only wishful thinkin

Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins
I will never ask if you don’t ever tell me
I know you well enough to know you never loved me

Why can’t I feel anything from anyone other than you?
Why can’t I feel anything from anyone other than you?

And all of this was all your fault
And all of this…

I stay jealous
I stay wrecked and jealous for this,
for this simple reason
I just need to keep you in mind
as something larger than life

She’ll destroy us all before she’s through
and find a way to blame somebody else

Cute Without the ‘E’ (Cut From The Team) ~ Taking Back Sunday