a terrible thought has moved into my mind

Thoughts of the Week

When I can step on my bed and my foot can hit the floor, its time to blow it up some more.

I don’t like going home anymore. It’s no longer the place for me. I don’t know where excatly I belong, but I don’t want to be there. My parents and I don’t excatly get along anymore. I shouldn’t have to put up with them treating me like that, especially my father. I’m not really looking forward to the summer.

I don’t like Memorial Day. It plays too much on my emotions. And I don’t know why I even care all that much. I don’t know people in danger, in Iraq, not anymore. I don’t have family members or loved ones. But the whole experience just ate away at my emotions. Seeing my father in his uniform, while he was so mad at me, while he was making me feel like a complete idiot – I just couldn’t handle it.

I don’t like my father. He’s sick. I don’t know excatly whats wrong, but he’s not doing well. My mom said he’s tired and achey all the time. When I was home for Mother’s Day he wasn’t feeling well, but I thought it was just a 48-hour bug or something. But then at the Memorial Day Service, she said he’s been like this for a while. He won’t go to the doctor and she doesn’t know what to do. I’m mad at her for not making him go to the doctor. Don’t ask me how she should make him, but she’s his wife. She should be able to figure out a way. I’m mad at him for not going and taking care of himself. I’m afraid (irrationally, yes) that this is something simple, something that can be fixed now, but if he waits its going to kill him. I don’t want to lose him, and I’m mad that he’s not doing everything to help himself.

I don’t like my mother. I asked her if a friend could come spend the summer with me and work at the camp. Its a longer story, but the end result is she said no. That’s not why I’m mad at her. She said that she and my father aren’t used to having me around the house and two people would be even worse. She may not have meant it this way, but it made me feel like she didn’t want me to come home for the summer. All semester long I’ve heard how much she misses me and wants me to be home. She wishes I could be home; she wants me to teach in the district; her boss will give me a job once I graduate. And now I hear that she and my father don’t want me home? How is that supposed to make me feel?

I don’t like Manny very much right now. Monday night I was driving home after having dinner with Heather, and I was a bit stressed out and tired. I told him about being worried about my dad. Now I’ll admit that I was overreacting a little bit. And I know that I have issues with losing people, people dying. But I didn’t need him to yell at me. I didn’t need him to tell me that I’m an idiot and he doesn’t know why I overreact every time. I didn’t need him to call me stupid and irrational. I also didn’t need him to tell me that he’d be home in a week. What the fuck did I care? I don’t need him to come home and “fix” everything. I needed him to listen. To tell me things would be okay. I needed him to let me lean on him. And he couldn’t do that. I’ve been wondering if I made a mistake losing him. Then something like this happens and I remember why I left. Then he had the gall on Tuesday night, when he knew I hadn’t gotten much sleep on Monday, to call at 1am and whine about how he needed someone to talk to. I didn’t even hear the phone ring, but I was pissed when I heard the message the next morning. It may be wrong, but GAH! He pisses me off. And I know he’s going to talk about this later, how I was so upset and he calmed me down, fixed me. So I don’t like him so much right now.

I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing in my life. I’m not sure what the point of my life is. I don’t know that I can explain it properly, but how is my playing oboe doing anything good for the world. How do I know that’s what God has planned for me? I has skills that could be put to good use back home. I could take over the bell program. It’s something that is important to the church, to me, the community. I know I could do a good job. I could also be the church secretary. There are major things wrong in the world. I can’t solve them all. I also don’t like standing in the sidelines and not doing anything about problems that I see, problems I know I could fix. The church problems are things I could help out with. They are things that I could put my talents into and I could make the community, the church a better place.

The Memorial Day Service I went to on Monday was a joint memorial service for a firefighter who passed away recently. He had dedicated his life to the community, using his talents to make that little part of the world just a little bit better. I’m never going to solve world hunger or bring world peace. But I can make that little part of the world better. So should I go back there? I found a dream that sounded good and I thought I wanted. But will playing in some orchestra in some foreign city really effect anyone? Will playing some stupid oboe solo in a movie score, that no one really pays attention to anyways, change anyone’s life? I’m okay with not knowing excatly where my life is going. Well, not quite, but I try to accept it. I’m trying to get better at just hanging on and enjoying the ride towards where ever I’m going. But what if the direction is completly wrong? What if I’m on the wrong ride? If I made a mistake, I don’t regret the past (at least I’m trying not to), but I should change and make a correction in my heading. But I don’t know that I made a mistake. And I don’t know where I would head if I did. So for right now, I just keep on keeping on. But there’s only so long I can pretend. Eventually whatever I choose has to be real.

I miss Mike.

I want to cook. A lot. But I’m not hungry.

I don’t like the heat.

And those are the thoughts of the week.

A terrible thought has moved into my mind
Like an unwanted room-mate drunk on wine
It feeds on my unhapiness, won’t pay the rent
I must take proper measures to evict it

A terrible thought has moved into my mind
A giant rat that’s nibbling on my pride
It’s tearing away my patience and my wits
I must take proper measures, set a trap for it

What a terrible thought
I don’t care what you’ve done
I don’t care who you’ve won
I know in the end, you have your fun
But you can’t have it here,
And I won’t let you steer,
You know I don’t want you in my mind

What a terrible thought
What a terrible, terrible thought

I must stay calm you know and I must be clear
It’s gonna take a hundred thoughts to make this one disappear
A train like that can travel a soul for years
A terrible thought could have a terribly long career

What a terrible thought
What minds have you shredded
I bet they regretted
Having ever thought you up
Just look at you shine
Commiting your crimes
You know I don’t want you in my mind

‘Cause you’re breaking my stride
You poisonous vine
You’re strangling me inside
You’re breaking my stride
You poisonous vine
You’re strangling me inside
You‘re breaking my stride

What a terrible thought
What a terrible thought
What a terrible, terrible thought
What a terrible, terrible thought
What a terrible, terrible thought
What a terrible, terrible thought

What is your greatest worry because you seem to be worried all the time
Sometimes I can’t hear myself think
You have to speak a little louder, I can’t understand a word you’re saying
Sometimes I can’t hear myself think

Terrible Thoughts ~ Poe