A is for The Big Apple

 Letter of the Day – "A" / Word of the Day "Amazing"

Technically, I suppose I should go to bed before considering today November, but its eight minutes past midnight so close enough.

Amazing.  Apple.

Sandy passed over and my homestate (among others) is beginning to pick up the pieces.  To everyone who lives outside the Tri-State area, I’m from the City, the Big Apple.  To everyone inside the Tri-State area, they know the truth.  Then again they know the difference between The City, The Island and Upstate.  Anyways, the pieces are being picked up as best they can.  This is not going to be a news feed of what I’ve heard or seen or been told or read in the paper.

My parents were fine; the storm seemed to go out of its way to miss their county.  Yes, there was wind and rain, but my dad said they’ve had "normal" thunderstorms that have done more damage.  It seems that all my friends who live in NYC and its surrounding areas are okay.

I was okay with the storm.  As far as worrying and stressing goes.  I knew it was going to be bad.  I wasn’t one of those "oh, the hype is overhyped" people.  But I just wasn’t worried.  Until Monday night.  I was in bed, about to go to sleep, and did one last check on Facebook to see the photos and status updates from my friends in the storm’s path.

A guy I knew in high school posted a video of an explosion at a Con Ed in Manhattan.  At that point, all the internet knew (yes, I do realize how crazy that sounds) was that there was an explosion and lower Manhattan was completely dark.  I lost my mind.  I started crying and ended up calling Megan.  I was worried sick about Mike.  Was he there?  Was he working?  Was he at home?  Was he hurt?  Was he dead?  Was he okay?  I lost my mind.

She calmed me down and said that even if I texted him and he was okay, he was probably working and might not be able to respond.  Then what?  I did finally go to bed, but I slept like crap.  The next day I started taking inventory of my friends, making sure they survived the worst of the storm.  A number of them had posted on Facebook or sent out mass texts, but not all.  So I started reaching out and checking in.  I hadn’t heard from Manny or seen him post anything and he was one of the last on the list.

He was fine; bored at home in his apartment.

The list had dwindled down to… well, Mike.  And I wasn’t supposed to talk to him.  He wanted space and time to figure things out and I was trying to respect that.  But it was driving me slightly insane not to know if he was okay or not.  Maybe more than slightly.  Megan had told me that he didn’t deserve to know that I was worried about him.  He has sunk pretty low in her opinion, which I do understand.  She watched as he made me cry.  I’d feel the same about a guy that did that to her.  But Manny did tell me that a national disaster was a reasonable explanation for texting him.

So I did.  Knowing full well that he might answer harshly, or not even at all.  But he did.  He said the house was damaged, but not how badly.  He said that he was okay and his family was okay.  By this point, I knew that the explosion at Con Ed was a transformer blowing, which looks spectacular but does less damage than it seems it should.  Work was a mess but he was okay.  I texted him back and thanked him for getting back to me, and I would leave him be again.

I haven’t heard from him since.  Which is okay.  If he’s really doing the whole AA thing, he’ll eventually get to Step 9.  And even if it seems a little off, I’m looking forward to his Step 9.

Its never going to change for me.  I’m always going to care for him.  I know this.  And maybe someday he’ll come round and we’ll have the perfect life with 2.5 kids.  But I also don’t want to sit around waiting for him anymore.  Something shifted in the past few weeks.  I care for him deeply.  And if he’s ready someday, maybe we’ll make a go at it.  But I no longer want to put my whole life on hold for him.  I honestly don’t know when this shift happened, but I’m glad it has.

Jared called me just before I went out to Arizona.  I didn’t hear my phone so he just left a message.  Supposedly he’s clean and sober and wants to catch up.  I told Megan that I wouldn’t mind being friends with him, but I didn’t really see myself in any sort of relationship with him.  Megan told me that alcoholics were not the same people once that got sober and gently encouraged me to give him a chance.  I still don’t know that I’d ever want to be in a relationship with him, but…  I’d like to call him back and see.  Even if we just end up as friends.  

I don’t want to keep waiting for someone who doesn’t….  put forth any effort?  Its not an entirely fair assessment, considering he drove out for my cousin’s wedding this summer.  But still.  Megan and Jacob made some good points when I was in Arizona.  Maybe I do deserve better.  Maybe I do deserve to be treated better.  And maybe I need to stop selling myself short.  That doesn’t apply directly and solely to Mike, but a lot of parts of my life.

Thus endeth the entry.