a beautiful fucked-up man

So he’s officially gone. Well, as officially as he can ever be gone. I talked to him on Friday and I certainly was not happy about the situation. Course, I didn’t tell him that. I wouldn’t tell him that because its not his problem. And telling him would only be a sign that I wanted him to stay and not go. I know he wants to go. Its what makes him happy. And thats all that matters. I really wasn’t mad at him just at the situation. And it wasn’t even anger. I was sad to see him leave. He can’t ask me to be happy that he’s leaving. I’m sad when my friends go to college. Its not that I’m angry at them or the college for making them leave. I’m just sad to see them go. Just like I’m sad to see Mike go. Especially after all the time we spent together. It was nice. I think a part of it, too, was the shock of it. I wasn’t expecting him to be leaving so soon.

Okay, so I worked through my weekend emotions. Megan’s been going through some stuff with Rick and Jacob. She and I were having an interesting time trying to only let one of us fall apart at a time. But that’s why I love her so much. Even when her life is hell, she still remembers to stop, sit and listen to my own version of hell. I love that girl. But I digress. Saturday I spent at Tamlyn’s dog-sitting and trying to sort things out. Sunday was Mother’s Day. Megan and I talked for a long time and then I took a nap, resulting in very strange dreams. I was cheating on Mike with his best friend “Tim.” It was all very Twilight Zone-ish. What woke me up was my cell phone ringing Mike’s tone. He was still in New Orleans in port. He had called to wish Mom a Happy Mother’s Day. The guy I’m dating (only dating) called to wish my mother (MINE!) a Happy Mother’s Day. Megan said he’s crossed the line from some guy I’m dating to the guy I’m seeing seriously. And I kind of fell like she’s right. Her idea for me is to tell Mike to shit or get off the pot. My idea for her is to stay away from Jacob. I think we should both listen to each other. He told me he’ll be in New Orleans for a while and that I should call him down there. I haven’t yet but I think I will. My mom told Mike that my dad was going down to New Orleans sometime this month. I didn’t even know about that. So Mike tells my mom that my father should call him and they could go out to eat somewhere. I asked my father later about his trip and he told me that ALG was also going. Its some real estate business deal. My dad and Mike have suggested they go out to dinner down there. I’m scared. While I don’t think I want to be around them both (cause they’ll both start picking on me), I don’t know that I want them left to their own devices in New Orleans. Things are getting interesting.

I feel like I’m a senior in high school again (except less intense on the acne and hormones). Mike’s been talking about moving to VA with a Merchant Marine buddy of his. He doesn’t want to live with his grandmother and honestly I don’t blame him. He’s talked about buying a house up here somewhere and letting his mother and sister move in upstairs and he’ll take over the downstairs. He’s also talked about going to California for a few months. He mentioned once a while ago that he and I could move in together, but I still don’t know what I think about that idea. If I go away to school in September, its going to leave him right back where he started. So I’m not sure what he’s going to do. And I’m not sure what I’m going to do either.

You come out at night
That’s when the energy comes
And the dark side’s light
And the vampires roam
You strut your rasta wear
And your suicide poem
And a cross from a faith that died
Before Jesus came
You’re building a mystery

You live in a church
Where you sleep with voodoo dolls
And you won’t give up the search
For the ghosts in the halls
You wear sandals in the snow
And a smile that won’t wash away
Can you look out the window
Without your shadow getting in the way?

You’re so beautiful
With an edge and charm
but so careful
When I’m in your arms

Cause you’re working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you’re working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You woke up screaming aloud
A prayer from your secret god
You feed off our fears
And hold back your tears, oh
Give us a tantrum
And a know it all grin
Just when we need one
When the evening’s thin

You’re a beautiful
A beautiful fucked up man
You’re setting up your
Razor wire shrine

Cause you’re working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you’re working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

Ooh you’re working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you’re working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

Yeah you’re working
Building a mystery
Holding on and holding it in
Yeah you’re working
Building a mystery
And choosing so carefully

You’re building a mystery

Building A Mystery ~ Sarah McLachlan