12/27/02

Hey so the past few days have been really crazy. I can’t get online at home so I’m writing this up and saving it to post whenever I can get online. Anyway I got home. I talked to Manny while I was packing on Thursday/Friday. I got home and Daddy picked me up and I was excited. Friday night Mommy and Daddy and I went to Calabria’s (the best pizza in New York). I love going there. Then Mommy and I picked up Heather. She and I got to talk so that was nice. She stayed over until Monday. Late Friday night, around 10 or so, Manny called and said he was with Brian but he would be over in a little while. He came over and he pulled in my driveway, walked up the walk and literally walked into my arms crying. I didn’t know what the hell was going on. I mean I know I missed him, but please. It wasn’t like we hadn’t talked or whatever. Heather went down to my room and played on my laptop and Manny and I sat in the living room to talk. He told me that Dana’s boyfriend, Rob had committed suicide on like that Monday or Tuesday. Why the hell he hadn’t told me till then I don’t know why, but he was really upset and he just needed to cry and he needed me to be there, so I was. And it was fine, but I got upset (because I’m a human who cares when other humans die and are hurting) and it kinda ruined my “homecoming” but oh well. He stuck around till a little after midnight and by then I kinda needed him to just leave and it was hard to be harsh and tell him to go, but it was ok. Then of course me and Heather stayed up talking about stuff.

Recap on the sleep so far – I slept Thursday morning for about 5 or 6 hours, then I got up and packed. I slept about 20 mins before I got picked up to go home. Friday I didn’t sleep much, maybe 4 hours tops. So I’m running on very little sleep. On Saturday Mommy dropped me and Heather at the mall at like 9 am. And we walked around, got breakfast, saw a bunch of people. Deniz and Brianne. DENIZ!!??? There were a few others, and we hung out in Sears with John for a while. We did some of my Christmas shopping and some errands for Mommy around the mall. We called Clint and Manny and made plans to go see Lord of the Rings that evening. So I finally got to meet Clint which was good. We meet in the food court and ordered pizza and went to my house to eat it, which was fun to just hang and talk. We meet at the movie theater along with Settle, Fougler, MK, Lang, Russ, and a bunch of other people. We saw the movie which was awesome. Then Manny, me, Heather and Clint took Clint home and then back to my house. The movie got out late and then Heather and I had to talk about Clint and everything. And it was another late night. Sunday was church, a madhouse of running and practicing and stuff. We didn’t home until like 3:30 after being there since before 8am. Sunday night I made a bunch of calls (I’m home, blah blah). I had seen Settle at the movie, but I really didn’t get a chance to talk to him and with the suicide everyone was a little down and out of it. But I called him and we talked for almost 2 hours and he and Manny made plans to come over. Jenn came over and we all visited. Later John came over too. It was just awesome to hang with everyone like that. And it was nice to see my Settle. We exchanged music. And they didn’t leave till 2 am or so.

Monday was not fun. I decided to sleep in rather than get up. My decision whatever – and I paid the consequences. But for some reason Mommy and Daddy were both in foul moods, which rubs off on me. And then Heather went home and Grandparents arrived and it was just nuts and everyone was snapping. My reeds weren’t working and I was annoyed with Manny and basically the entire world. So Monday I went down to bed right after we ate, and tried to call Tim (again). And I finally got through to him. I had talked to his mom, but he always said that he was busy or whatever and would call me back. She always sounded annoyed and I didn’t know if it was something I did or what. His mom asked me to hold on a sec and I faintly heard her arguing with someone (I assumed to be him.) I didn’t what they were arguing, but it was one of two things. 1) She didn’t want me talking to him, but he did want to talk. Or 2) HE didn’t want to talk to me and she did want us to talk. I didn’t know what to think (lack of sleep and rise in stress does that to me). But Monday night when I got through, I took a gamble and asked if he was avoiding me and when he asked why I thought that, I said that I had heard him and his mom the other day and he was like “Oh, you heard that.” So I knew choice two was the case. And basically the conversation was us arguing for a while. He told me he didn’t want to see me and probably wouldn’t be ready before I went back to Calvin. He needed more time and I was like whatever – I didn’t want to push him on that. I tried to understand how he could just say that he never loved me, but I’m not sure I’ll ever really understand all that. But then our conversation somehow turned to how I didn’t have any close friends at Calvin because I don’t trust anyone (which is very true). He was lecturing me about just trusting people and I was thinking “What about what you did to me?” So that was just not a good situation. And it felt like an attack on me and that really hurt because I thought he kind of understood me. That really hurts. Then my mom came downstairs and she got mad that I was still up (so late at night 10:30pm) and yelled at me. And then she came back and yelled again. Then came back and I snapped at her and she was like “Don’t get an attitude with me!” And Tim said to me “You do have an attitude with her.” And that pissed me off, because I didn’t need to hear that from him. Not right then. Then I hear Grandma bitching about how I said I was going to bed and then I was on the phone and how you can’t go to bed and be on the phone. Then daddy came on the line and made me get off. Then he snapped at me too and I just went to downstairs. That night I almost left to walk off the bridge into the river to just end it all. Then I turned from that and was thinking of walking to Manny’s house or Settle’s house or someplace other than there. But it was really cold and I was really upset and I probably would have killed myself somehow on the way. So instead I forced myself to go to bed and I just cried myself to sleep (took only an hour or a little more). And then it was Christmas Eve.