10/9/2012

I. Hate. This.
Nothing is wrong. Nothing. I mean nothing more than usual. Actually my life is pretty okay right now. I have a good income, I’m paying down debts, I have friends, I’m healthy. Life is not bad right now.

There is no reason for me to be this upset. No one has died. The weather is unbelievably lovely for fall. Life is really pretty good right now. So why do i feel like this? Why do i want to rake knives across my arms? Why do i want to crawl into bed and never emerge? Why do I keep wishing for it to all just be done, to be enough? This is insanity. I am insane.

I called a psychologist today to try and make an appointment. I need help and i know it. I just don’t know why. It’s so incredibly frustrating. I’m fine!
Freaked out.
Insecure.
Neurotic.
Emotional.
Yup, I’m fine.

I don’t really know how much of all this i can take. Except there is no this. There is no reason for this. Just snap out of it! Everything is fine.

I really hate this. I’ve been okay for so long. Or maybe I’ve done a really good job of fooling myself into thinking that. There’s a little bit of fake it till you make it that goes on. But eventually it all comes apart. Eventually the house of cards that one builds comes crashing down. It doesn’t take anything at all and suddenly everything is crashing down around you.

And my coping skills are working less and less.

I’m worthless and stupid and fat and ugly and unlovable and hateful and angry and wanting to fight but not knowing how. And I’m tired. I just don’t want to have to keep fighting anymore. I want it to be enough. Because the person I’m really fighting is me, and there’s no escaping oneself.

||:I I IV V:||

Over and over.

I out one foot in front of the other one.
I don’t need a new love or a new life,
Just another place to die.

Fun.