03/16/2009

I’ve decided I hate cars.  They are such the neccessary evils, and I wish I could live without them, but thats really not going to happen.  Hate them.  Something is always wrong and its not just because my car is old and heavy on mileage.  My mother’s car is stupid and retarded.  Dad’s care is acting up, though he won’t admit it or get it fixed.  There’s always something wrong.  What the fuck.  Why can’t they just work?  I want 365 days straight without some kind of car problem.  Not that I won’t change the oil, keep it aligned and rotated, yada yada yada.  But I feel like I put time, effort and most important money into this car.  Taking care of it and doing everything I should.  And she constantly betrays me.  I haven’t gone six months without some major incident in my car, ever since my car accident.  Maybe I should have trashed her back then.  Gotta a new car that summer and just dealt with it.  But Dad decided it was better to repair and keep the car.  Stupid idea.  I mean, really stupid idea.

Course, it might have been worse after that.  Who knows.  There’s no point in playing what-if.  I just have to figure out a way to go forward from here.  And get over the fact that I feel like I take two steps forward to only fall three steps back.

I need money.  It comes down to that simple fact.  I need money.  As much as I want to go to Seminary, as much as I want to do this now and not take a break, not lose momentum, I feel like I should wait.  I’m not unwilling to work.  I will work and work hard to make money and save up.  Make things work.  But I can’t work full-time and go to school full-time.  Its just impossible.  And the program, while it is possible to go part-time is not suited for that.  I want to go and do it right.  I’d much rather put off school and work than do something like that.  Work hard and have a little something to save.

But its not really ideal or intelligent.  And I don’t want to make more mistakes.  I want to learn from my experiences and step forward.

Somehow.