Why?

i come to you now exposed. i have done my best to rid myself of all the untruths, the unexpected, the unforgiven. i address you now, clean of conscience and sound of mind… i think i am in love with you.

now, the fact remains the same. I am not tripping over myself, i am not crying into my pillow, i do not spend sleepless nights plotting how to get back to you. i think, and think and think and think….

there is so much going on inside my head i feel like it’s an orchestra. they drown out everything but the sound of your voice. i can hear it. i… i know there is something more than this. i know there is a reason for this. i can feel it in my soul.

i’ve been drawn to you for… god, i don’t even know how long. i feel like i’ve been looking for someone like you all my life.

maybe we were destined. maybe this is pure.
maybe i just need to take a deep breath and a step back.

i… i see you vividly. i can hear you laugh, i can hear you speak. i, i feel like i sound ridiculous. i feel like this is all a delusion.

but what if it’s not?

what if we met because we were meant to?
what if this all happened because it was meant to?
i mean, shakespeare didn’t have this good of timing…

what if this is meant to be?
why am i so scared?

i am doing what i think is right.. what i think is necessary. i speak the words, and i feel their meaning… i feel it down to my bones. but i am still afraid. maybe it helps that i know you’re afraid. maybe it helps that this, whatever it is, is temporary.

maybe not.

perhaps we still have more to teach each other… there is always more to learn. obviously there is still fire, quite obviously there is still something or we wouldn’t be here, right now, would we?

what if i have sacrificed too much? what if this is just my psyche telling me to do something i know could be harmful in the end… but again, what if it’s not? what if… it is meant to be? what if we… are meant to be? what then? what happenstance, what glorified mistake has led us to where we now sit, poised in front of a computer screen eagerly awaiting a response? why do i even care? or you? why do you care? why haven’t we written each other off? it’s not like we ended on good terms…

i read a lot into, well, everything…

but i do not believe in coincidence.

i believe in fate.

maybe for once, i should sit back and enjoy the ride. maybe its your turn to chase me. i like that.

if everything happens for a reason, i hope the answer is available soon… i’m sick of waiting. i’m not trying to dive in head first, i am actually trying to swim, to tread water…. not to be pulled down by the aforethought of what could be… even if it does seem more inviting everyday.

i think the whole world is full of shit.

and i’m glad to see you agree.

maybe we could take on the world together. you and me.

maybe not.

the point is that, well, i’m scared. im afraid. i’m unsure. and i know what kind of backlash this will bring. but i can hear it in your voice. in every letter you write, in every breath you breathe… i can feel you.

why?
why is this happening to me?

i will not repeat old patters, i will stay strong in myself. i am capable. and i will not be subdued.

the only thing in know for sure is, i won’t get out alive.

and if i had to choose one man, one person to be at my side… right now i think know it would be you. more than anything, i know that whatever happens next is right, is true and i am ready.

for some reason i’m not quite sure of, you are amazing.

and today, the fight begins. for my future, for my freedom, for my absolution.

i can’t wait to see you on the other side.