No… wait

I feel something hollow in the pit of my stomach… im not sure how to describe it. I am…. apprehensive? doubtful? scared? what is this disgust that plagues me? to what can it be attributed? is there no solace from this endless torment?

sorry.

throwback.

d says she has big news. i’ll let you take it from there……
terrified.

though i have no right.

even if it was what it might be there’s absolutely no reason to fear that that……

i’m gonna fuckin lose her too….

all fades and crumbles with the passage of time…. it brings the very mountains to their knees. how appropriate. and how i wish i could kill this little green monster inside. it festers lie a wound never healed, a song never sung…. unfulfilled potential. waste. now we sit on opposite corners of nothing contemplating our very existence and for what? The realization that the answers are fleeting and incomplete, if they exist at all makes us understand life. That relationships shift and people change as readily as circumstances. But the fact is that we, as people are innately unchangeable. We become a product of our past. A product of past decisions and forks in the road none of which can be altered in any way. No matter what. That is the cold hard truth of this existence. You can never go home again.

Doesn’t stop us from musing, wishing, hoping, dreaming….. Remembering.

That is the real disease. And there is no cure. It is as if we were all comets flying around in infinite blackness and every so often we collide…. smashing each other to bits…. then re-forming into entirely new entities built out of the same basic structure but in no way the same as we were. You can never be the same as you were. We leave imprints, impressions on each others lives with every time there is love or hate between us. And it changes everything. But would we be able to stand it any other way? I guess ignorance may truly be bliss.

so what then? over something that is obviously apparent to everyone else and yet my lacking presence has let blossom a romance to which everyone responds with shifting eyes…. i suppose i am no one to talk. life just happens. there is no way around it. and as i mentioned before, i suppose i should accept my own advice…. you can’t change the past. live life in the now and be happy with what you have found. stop trying to change things back to the way they were. that is no way to find happiness. but that doesn’t mean i can bear it.

that doesn’t mean i can witness it.
just saying…. that doesnt even mean that it means what it means…..

who knows….

love is truly the mistress of darkness. she leads us astray and blinds us. And yet we seek her endlessly without regard for our own well-being. she takes us by surprise and tears out our very soul….

but i digress….

please don’t let it be so.