growing pains

i guess its true what they say, you cant go home again. i guess im just not looking forward to the things that adulthood has to offer… i guess i don’t really want to be a grown-up. i don’t see the fun in it, i don’t want to raise a family and hold down a job. i dont want to be button down or blue collar. i feel like i’m wasting my life trying to fulfill someone else’s dream. i don’t even have a dream. i don’t know what i want to do. i don’t know what i want to be. i don’t even have anyone i really want to share it with. the holidays were a waste. i didn’t enjoy myself. i didnt look forward to seeing anyone. i don’t really ever want to see anyone. i don’t know… i just seem to be spinning my wheels. going in circles. trying to recapture something that is lost forever. my youth is fading. i am, indeed, growing up. nothing can stop the inevitable march of time. i am stumbling. bumping into walls and hitting my head on the ceiling of a life that i have outgrown. so where do i go from here? what is the point of trying to be happy when happiness is so elusive? no matter where i go or what i try it is always the same. there is no passion in any of it. there is no horizon line, no grandiose dream… there is nothing. i feel as though i am adrift on a sea of uncertainty. am i cursed to live the rest of my life in this haze? here i thought sobriety would cure that itch in me, that constant need to gratify, to ponder and contemplate until my head aches and my eyes burn from the tears. when will the certainty come? when will the confidence that i see in the people all around me develop? what step am i missing? what essential piece of me was left out in my making? was i just born this way? the kids next door had a bonfire tonight. all i could think of was josh’s backyard and how things used to be fun and exciting, even when they weren’t. the newness of life has worn off and all that is left is the drudgery. i don’t see how anyone can walk around believing that they are happy or whole. i don’t feel wholeness. i feel emptiness. i feel isolation. i feel… cheated. i feel as thought something has gone wrong. i know what position i have put myself in. i can appreciate that this is all my own doing. i know that. i understand that. but still i wonder what things would be like if i had a purpose or a direction. of ANY kind. i don’t feel compelled to do anything. i don’t really want to travel, i mean i do, in a way. but what is the fun of travelling without a companion? i guess i am feeling lonely but its not like i’m hungry for a relationship. i dont know, maybe i am. maybe this is just that vicious pattern repeating itself as it always does. but why, when i look back, do i see so much that i miss and would love to experience again but when i look forward, i see nothing. bleak, miserable, disappointing nothingness. i feel like i am just going through the paces that will put me in a position of moderate financial comfort. what is the fucking point of that? i am falling into a normal, recognized routine of monotony. something i always swore would never happen to me. i don’t want to be average. i don’t want to be the same. i wanted to be different, unique, special… someone who was extraordinary. i don’t find enjoyment in mediocrity. i guess my standards are too high. i guess i was just screwed from the get-go. i look around and i see all my friends, my family, everyone seems to be just perfectly content in their little bubbles of self-reliance. i think to myself, they must have some great hidden secret that allows them to live this hum-drum everyday life and be okay with it. the truth is that they don’t have a secret. they don’t have a divine plan. they don’t have anything that i do not have so why are they so happy? WHY? i find myself going through an endless circular jumble of emotion. i am okay for a while then i am sad. then i’m okay and then i am sad. and i don’t even know why i’m sad. right now it has to do with the kids in the next yard. i was fine before i went outside to smoke a cigarette and there they were, talking, laughing, enjoying their youth… talking about the constellations and just… being there. in the moment. with each other… growing up. i have lost the wonder and enchantment that comes with those growing pains. i mean, i’m the last person to say i enjoyed high school, that i liked growing up, but, in looking back, i guess they really were the best years of my life. what kind of sick, twisted shit is that?? the most awkward years of my life have turned out to be the only interesting ones. now i must fade into obscurity, fade into appeasement for the sake of some societal value of what being an adult means. i know what it means, it means giving up on everything you thought life would be like. it means throwing away your dreams and ambitions and settling. that’s what it means. it means holding a job that you don’t really like to pay for shit that you don’t really need or want just so you can continue to exist. and for what? another day of the same. every fucking day is the same. this is not what i signed up for. this is not what i agreed to. this is not how it is supposed to be! why can’t i just see that? why doesn’t anyone tell you that this is life? it’s not fair. i don’t want to be what i am becoming. i feel myself growing colder inside, less affectionate, less sensitive… less everything. i feel like less than half of myself. is it really true that those were the best years of my life? things will never feel that amazing again? nothing will ever be new or fresh or exciting… this, whatever it is, is all i have left to look forward to? jesus, what am i doing? all this time, everywhere i’ve gone i’ve been looking for some great answer to all these burning questions and the fact is that there simply is no answer. this life, whatever it is, is all the answer i’m ever going to get. this is the best i can hope for. i think i’m going to cry.