dont ask

happy valentines day…..

how appropriate that i ruin everything?

again.

i dont know if i am scared, unsatisfied, jealous or simply worthless. i feel like i have lost everything and now am just drifting on a wind, hoping to find a solid ground upon which to build a fleeting empire. my sisters are both successful, bilingual, college graduate, high paying blah blah blah blah blah you know what that means to me? that I have failed. i have failed to become……anything. that i have failed to fulfill and or exceed the expectations set upon me by those that came before me…. do you know what that means? that means i am worthless. I HAVE FAILED. For the rest of my life I will wish I was more, that I had done something more, that I had become more….. all the while watching those with whom I once had an intimate relationship thrive and succeed…. now dont get me wrong, i wish them all the best, but why do i not deserve the same? what horrible transgretion did i commit in my previous life that warrants all this SUFFERING???? PLEASE GOD, WHAT DID I DO??? WHAT CAN I DO TO REVERSE THE Evil i must have dont upon this world to deserve such anguish? It is not to say my life is bad, I have some food, some money, some support…. but i struggle everyday with my sickness, my sadness……. and those around me cast it off as though it were silly. as though it were false…. it is all too real to me. i hurt, everyday. i struggle, everyday. just to wake up, just to face the truth that i will NEVER be what i am meant to be, that i will NEVER fulfill my potential because of MY OWN choices and MY OWN actions, I WILL NEVER become great. I WILL NEVER become who i am supposed to be. And that revelation leaves me empty. absolutely empty. devoid of meaning, absent of the ability to go on. If I am no longer extraordinary, I would rather not be at all….. I regret the life I left behind. I believe I made a mistake. I believe that it is irreparable. I am so sorry…. for everything. to everyone…. i am so sorry. so so very sorry that i could not be who i was supposed to be, that i did not fulfill my potential, and most of all i am sorry to God that I did not use his gifts as fully as I should have, it hurts my heart to know that what He has given me has been wasted. I do not believe in myself anymore. i no longer feel creativity pulsing through me. i feel empty. lost. shallow. gray. there is nothing left with color, nothing left that holds light. i seek comfort in temporary distractions that do nothing but make it hurt more the next day. i have lost everything. and now, in light of the fact that everything that once mattered to me is gone forever, i fall into the pits of blackness, of despair…. from which i hope never to recover. hopefully the next life holds more promise. hopefully i have not damned myself to eternity in hell….. i pray to God that i get one more chance to be happy.