Desperation

once upon a time there was a princess, and i suppose that princess was me. i have spent my whole life looking for “prince charming” and i’d like to believe that i’ve found him. the problem is that he is far away and……………………… i don’t know what he is doing. he could be doing a lot of things….. a lot of people….. and i would never know. the fact that if that does happen, it will shatter my reality… lets just put that aside. he says that he loves me. he says that we talk because of that fact. well……… why wont he come and see me? why wont he make the effort? i’m willing to drop hundreds of dollars and he is so scared of my sister that he wont come? or what?

I have spent endless nights dreaming about horrible situations. DONT get me wrong. i want him to be happy. i want him to enjoy his life. i want hime to be comfortable being a bachelor and maybe it has to do with the fact that i’ve already experienced these things but………. it makes me crazy when he tells me about this night or that night or this girl or that girl that came on to him and asked him out and I KNOW that they like him I KNOW they want to fuck him. and he tries to play it off as if thats not whats going on. my concern is that he’ll be too drunk one night and she (whoever ‘she’ might be) will be too drunk and they’ll end up falling into each other. I CANNOT HANDLE THAT. i don’t know what i’d do if he called me up and told me that he got laid. i’m fairly certain i would cry uncontrollably for quite a while.

at this point, i’ve done my time, i’ve seen what the world of men has to offer and i know what i want.

i want him.

and if i can’t have him, i have no problem with being alone forever. see, the thing about it is, like i said, i’ve paid my dues, i’ve done my time, i’ve seen whats out there and i’ve fallen in love.
without love, life is meaningless.
without love, we’d all be better off dead.

love is one of the only things worth peddling through this disgusting, disappointing, horrible life for. there are few things on this earth that have stood the test of time, that have proved that they are, beyond a doubt, essential to human nature and I will not give it up without a fight.

what kills me is knowing that he’s sitting in her apartment RIGHT NOW…. oblivious to the fact that she loves him, that she wants hime that she would do ANYTHING just to feel his embrace and I KNOW THAT. for. a. fact. But he doesnt see it. he sees it as a harmless crush. harmless, hardly.

all i know is that, if i lose him, either to some other woman or simply to time…… i do not want anybody else.

i do not want anybody else.

i have found my match. and if he moves on, there is nothing i can do about it. it will destroy me, but there is nothing i can do about it.

all i know is that if i can’t have him, i’d rather be alone.

the end.