and?

so the months go by and nothing changes… i mean it changes… but not really. it’s like it’s pretending to change or it’s just what i want to see is what seems to be. who knows…. it’s all just echoes. echoes of another life, echoes of another time…. that’s all it is. suppressing it has little effect on it, it just comes roaring back when it is least expected. and then what? another breakdown. i am not sure if they are more or less painful sober. probably about equal. i feel somewhat stuck. and i hear my sisters words reverberating in my head of see the world before it’s too late! like life ends at 30. but i know what she means. if i don’t do something soon, i wont be able to do anything soon. but what is a girl to do? pack a bag and wave goodbye to everything she has built? everything she has worked for and struggled to become…. who am i kidding. i haven’t become anything or anyone. i’m terrified that i never will. so what is the fucking point of trying to fit in and function in so-called regular society. i don’t know where i want to go but i know i want to go…. i’m feeling the pull, man. it’s got it’s claws into me. but i don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i have to do what makes me happy, i must find my way through life. i must not be scared of regret. i must just appreciate what i have experienced thus far. why should i be scared of pain? more often than not i revel in it, but that is not the goal here. i find myself wanting to be, for lack of a better term, free. even though that entails a lot of anguish and hard work for everybody involved, i am beginning to feel myself sinking. this whole damn ship is sinking….. and i know what i must do to save myself.