06/03/2013

I want you to know I still dream about you. I wish I could understand why. Perhaps a missed opportunity in this lifetime for that kind of happiness you only see in the movies. And not so often even there anymore….
What happened between us was regrettable. I guess I never thought I’d use that word and mean it. We were intangible. But perhaps I place too much importance on this ever so brief period in my life, in our lives. It seems to me that we influenced each other more than either one of us would like to admit and yet we haven’t spoken in years. Years and years. So what does that mean? Why am I still dreaming of you? The context has changed some, I suppose. I no longer see you and I, or even just you. I see you and her. Or you and others. Or maybe I don’t even see you, maybe I can simply feel you. Sometimes I think I look at my past through rose tinted glasses. Not seeing the negative that perhaps brought what we had to an end. For a long time I blamed myself, and in a way, I guess I still do. I tell myself that its over and that I shouldn’t have to live with the guilt anymore, but obviously some subconscious desire is manifesting itself through my dreams. I guess Im not all that surprised. But i really did think I had dealt with it. That i had moved on. That I would allow myself the chance to be happy even if I have to accept that it will never be with you. That I may very likely never see you again. And that thought scares me even more.
Life is full of choices, paths we must either choose to take or not take. This fact alone dictates that no matter which way we decide to go, we spend the rest of our lives living with that decision, dealing with its repercussions. My father used to say ‘for everything there is a price.’ Truth in its cleanest aspect. Funny how muddled things can become. I find no clarity anymore. I find no peace. I struggle to understand what has become of the girl I used to be. The ideals I once had, the dreams I once wanted to pursue, the person I was going to be… they are all gone. Well, maybe not gone but now constantly shifting. Ah, the roller coaster that is my life. There is nothing like waking up missing something you can hardly remember aside from fading photographs and yellowing paper with words that have all but lost meaning. If they were meaningless though, then why do I still carry them? Why do I hope for the impossible? Everyone has made mistakes and learned to live with them, but not many miss the opportunity to spend their lives with their soul mate. If there is such a thing. Most can recognize that this is the person they were meant to be with, that God may have crafted this person to be your other half, if you believe in that sort of thing.
Whats funny is that now, even if they are all aware, no one cares anymore. I find myself wanting desperately to reach out and be heard by him, but I know what the result will be. I have become a stained memory on the back of his mind. As they say: once the paper is crumpled up it can’t be perfect again. The friends from my past who still love me, in their way, have moved on as well. I feel as though everyone is moving while I am standing still. They are pursuing lives that will one day be rich and fulfilling and I am filling a void in my heart that I dug out myself in an attempt to feel, well, anything but emptiness. Don’t get me wrong, I have made progress, I can suck it up and live life and pretend I don’t know there is something more out there. But for how long? Its like I’m waiting on a nuclear testing site anticipating the next blast. Why do I set myself up to feel sadness? Why can I not look at the past for what it is and chalk it up to a learning experience rather than the biggest regret I may ever have in my life. Nobody understands. They say they do, and I appreciate the lie, but they don’t. And to be so close as to almost be able to touch the memory, is almost unbearable. The thoughts that run through my head, I can confide in no one anymore. People either don’t know enough about the situation to understand or they know far too much about the situation and still don’t understand. Ironic.
I hate that I see pity in their eyes. Like they knew I was better than this. Like I should be, could be better than this and they know why I torture myself, too. So they tiptoe around and they say we should talk about it, but we never do. We NEVER do. We pretend to and she says to me she’s been following in my footsteps for too long and she needs to break free. That’s excellent. Good for your baby girl, go, live life, enjoy every minute of it. I never wanted to hold her back or keep her down. I love her and she loves me. I just cant understand why she does what she does sometimes. Its not as if someone had a gun to her head, she made the choice herself and…. I guess it’s another ‘be careful what you wish for’ kind of situation.

I think I will go get lost for awhile, try to find myself. I search so hard for peace and happiness that I sometimes think they slip right through my fingers. A habit I would like desperately to break but then, it’s at the bottom of a very long list. I need to listen to some music and put on my happy face. Even if it’s nothing but a mask. I’ve always been more comfortable being sad anyway. Why mess with a good thing?

I wish them both the best of everything. They deserve to be happy. They’ve earned it. I guess I failed to learn my lesson this lifetime. Rest assured, when next we meet, I will not let it happen again.

All my love,
onyx