Thoughts

I’m sad. I’m lonely. I’m angry. I’m relieved. I’m torn.
 
I just try to concentrate on work, studying for my exam, and keeping busy with friends. But no matter what, Vince still sticks in my mind for some reason. I don’t have any answers or closure, and it makes me sad and pissed off. I’ve been tempted many times to pick up my phone and call him..I’ve thought a million times about the things I want to say. I even considered sending him a text message. I think about him every day, and I don’t know why I even care.
 
There’s a part of me that wants to get revenge on him, because I always get revenge somehow on those people who hurt me. I could hit below the belt if I felt so inclined. My little birdy told me that Vince was throwing a party at his house last night, and of course, I haven’t spoken to Vince in a week. I was so very tempted to drive out there just to show up and ruin his night.
 
I even had the evil thought today to call him up, pretend I want to still be friends, go to his place, and strategically stash one of my thongs in his bed, so that if he is sleeping with some other girl, she would find it next time she crawled into bed with him.
 
That would be pretty satisfying. I’d laugh.
 
But then afterwards, I just couldn’t bring myself to calling him. I don’t think I ever will. There are many things I want to say to him, but I may never get the chance.
 
I know I need to stay single, but it’s always hard for me to be alone. The other day I found myself thinking about Aidan, and remembering how I used to feel about him. Sometimes I still wish things had been different between us. I wish I hadn’t pushed him away like I did. I let our love slip away, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
 
I just want to be happy again. Why is happiness so hard for me to find……………..?