Night From Hell

We had a bad fight again. This one was probably one of the worst we’ve had. It started over something so stupid too. I told Aidan that Jonathan Davis has 3 piercings in his eyebrow and so he was on a mission to find a picture proving I was wrong and that he only had 2. This all began when I was flipping through the channels at 2 am and happened to see the new Korn vid.

Well it went bad from there. I asked him to put on the "Thoughtless" video so I could watch it, but stupid me I forgot that whenever Korn is on he feels the need to listen to it way too loud. It was the same fuckin shit that Rosey used to do to me. Well we live in an apartment where the walls are so thin that you can hear someone coughing in the next apartment. That’s way too fuckin thin to be listening to music loudly at 2 am. So I tried my damndest to make him turn it down, or at least put the headphones on so he could crank it up and not bother anyone. But of course he wouldn’t. He yelled at me and I yelled at him, and things just got worse and worse.

I have a bad temper. I know I do.

But he purposely provokes me.

He’s so fuckin stubborn and wonders why these fights happen the way they do. I really beat the shit of him. Like, I actually punched him in the back of the head, so hard that I left a mark on my knuckle. And it wasn’t no girly punch either, it was fuckin hard. The fight continued and I got madder and madder, throttled him a bit, slapped him a few times..you know. The typical fighting shit.

Things were said.

Now I just don’t know. Maybe we should just break up. I don’t like to hurt anyone, especially him, but he makes me lose all fuckin control until I do something I regret. He’s never hit me. But I just can’t stop myself. I see red and then I lose control of my temper and…

It’s not healthy. Nobody should have to put up with that, and I’ve never been like that with anyone. I never once even jokingly slapped any of my other boyfriends, not even with Rosey when we had our harsh fights. I didn’t even hit Sean when I found out he cheated on me and he was lying about it right to my face. So I have no idea where this comes from, or why. Why its like this now, and never before.

I don’t know what to do.

I tried to hurt myself afterwards but it didn’t help. I don’t know if anything can. I think I’m just fucked and this is going to end badly. The last thing I ever thought I’d do would be to fuckin punch Aidan and actually enjoy hurting him. Especially since he’s the first person who ever truly loved me. When I look into his eyes I feel so terrible and wonder why things have to be like this. Something is seriously wrong with me.

I’m scared.