Jay

At the beginning of October, a man messaged me on plentyoffish, a free dating site I like to use when I’m single. We talked a bit, but I always figure that it will never go anywhere and after a few messages, the conversations typically just die. But not with this guy.

We live in different cities, and even different provinces. While he’s in Edmonton, AB, I’m in B.C. A week or so after he hadn’t heard from me, he sent me a lovely, long message telling me all about himself and explaining that he really wanted to get to know me. Then he asked at the very end if I knew a girl named Alana So-and-so, a friend of his who lives in my city. It turns out I actually know her and work with her several times a week. That letter he wrote me sparked the conversation between us, and we’ve been that way ever since.

We began talking on a daily basis on Facebook, getting to know each other better, and he decided he wanted to meet me. You see, he got an amazing job offer in my city so he started searching profiles for a girl he’d have something in common with. Mine was the first profile he saw on there. Once we started talking the sparks flew and we found out how much we have in common. He came to see me on November 23, and we spent the entire weekend hanging out in his hotel room. We didn’t sleep together, we knew we had to have boundaries. We just had an incredibly weekend.

Two weeks later, in mid-December, I travelled to Edmonton to go see him. I had an amazing time with him. I even cried when I had to leave, and he just held me and wiped away my tears. He is supposed to move to my city at the end of March to start training for his new job where he’ll be a manager of a roofing truss plant. That’s still another 11 weeks or so away, which really isn’t that far, it’s just hard to be away from someone you care about, especially when you want to be together all the time.

Alana has told me alot about him, she’s known him for years and his best friends with his brother. She has told me from day one that he is a really good man, he will always treat me good and will never cheat on me. Even though we live far away, I never had any doubts in my mind and trusted him and just really missed him.

At Christmas when I got together for family stuff, my brother started complaining about my situation with me and he asked me how I could trust him, being so far away. He started talking about how Jay could be sleeping with other girls and all that nonsense. Well, my happiness flew right out the window. I already have a huge problem with trust and relationship anxiety due to my past relationships. Now I’m full of fear again.

Jay is a very social guy, and girls flirt with him all the time. His ex has been constantly begging him to take her back, and they broke up a year ago. He has told her he will never go back, she cheated on him in a very bad way, and he would never ever go back to that relationship. The girl he dated before me was so scared about him going back to this ex of his that they eventually broke up over it. I’m determinded not to let that happen to us.

He’s told me he’s never felt this way about anyone else, not even his ex. The way we connected was very intense, and we both say we’re very happy together. I just find myself getting jealous when I see other girls talking to him or adding him on Facebook. It’s completely irrational fear…it just brings back all the horrible memories of Aidan flirting with and chasing after girls online for a year while we were together…and that was all something I saw on a daily basis. It was like getting cheated on every day of my life. Since that really messed me up, and I haven’t really had a long term, serious relationship since then, I find myself confronting those feelings again.

We had a little disagreement when I went to see him right after Christmas and stayed until after New Years. It wasn’t anything major, but it was just me being stupidly jealous over some girl adding him on Facebook. I felt that ugly, green eyed monster squeezing my chest and I blurted out that I was jealous. He came right over to me where I was lying on the couch and tried to explain that I had nothing to worry about, that I needed to trust him or there was no point in being together. I got really upset, but it was mostly with me and not him. I don’t know how to turn off this insane anxiety and fear that I get.

Ever since I’ve been home, only 4 days, I’ve been fighting off the horrible feelings consuming me. Last night was the worst of it….all night I tossed and turned, dreaming in pictures mostly, but it was just flashing images and words that were all a jumble and didn’t make much sense. It was all about Jay, being at the bar, getting hit on, flirting with other girls, and cheating on me. It was just a horrible jumbled up dream, which kept waking me up in a cold sweat.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want this horrible crap from my past to taint the relationship I’m trying to build with Jay. All I want to do is cry all the time. I miss him terribly, and so my mind is constantly wondering what he’s doing, who he’s with, if he’s cheating on me, or if he even misses me anymore. Isn’t that just awful???

If I don’t let this anxiety go, it will destroy my trust in my relationship before it even has a chance to get off the ground. How can I turn off the insistent thoughts and worry, allow myself to be free from anxiety, be happy and look forward to seeing him again in a few weeks, and just let this relationship take its natural course? I desperately want things to work out with Jay, he’s an awesome guy and I love being with him. I really need advice!