Here

I thought I had a pretty good grasp on how I felt about things.

Things were progressing nicely with Mike, and then his ex came back into the picture. Just one more stress I really didn’t need in my life. I’m glad it all stopped before it really started, made things alot easier on me. I just about had a breakdown when all of the stresses in my life sort of toppled down onto my head all at once.

There has been so much stress in my life in the past month and half. There was the really rough breakup from Aidan, the moving back in with my parents, the stress and pressures from school, the Mike bullshit, and to top it off, my period was almost 2 weeks late. Never in my life has it been that late, in fact I’ve always been able to pretty much set my clock by my rag. It’s always been very predictable, so when I didn’t get it all of a sudden, I started to get real scared. Up until today, I was very worried I was pregnant with Aidan’s kid. I had alot of fatigue, my boobs looked different, and I had some mild nausea. Thankfully, I am now in the process of having a visit from Aunt Flo. Even after 3 negative pregnancy tests, I was still unsure becuz I still wasn’t getting it. I guess all the stress I was under fucked up my cycle, just another stress I didn’t need in the first place.

I’ve been managing to keep pretty positive, after I had my near-breakdown of course. But I guess I’m sort of in denial about how I really feel about things.

On one hand, I’m glad to be single, to not have to worry about someone else’s bullshit. I’ve had such incredibly bad luck with guys and I’m not sure why. Just seems they always run scared for some reason. Something always fucks up. I really didn’t need a distraction named Mike though. That really didn’t help me any. Every time I go downstairs and look at that spot on the couch we were sitting, it still makes me a little sad. I haven’t spoken to him in a couple weeks now, and it’s probably for the best. I don’t think it would be a good idea anyways. I just don’t need any man’s bullshit, no matter how much they claim to want to settle down and have some security, they just never seem to want it with me for some reason. So fuck em. Don’t need the hassle.

But honestly, I still feel sad when I think about Aidan. I started feeling bad becuz I wasn’t wearing the ring he bought me for christmas. After we broke up, I took it off in anger and haven’t worn it since. But I didn’ t like the idea of a $200 ring sitting around. I’ve been wearing it again since yesterday, and just having it on makes me sad. It makes me think about Aidan and I really don’t want to. I am so angry that things went the way they did. In all honesty, I’m pretty sure I’m still in love with him somewhere deep inside.

When I think about him, my heart hurts. I remember all the pain he caused me. But I also remember the way we used to be. And the way he looked at me with his beautiful green eyes. We were so different, but I never connected with anyone the way I did with him. What hurts is how much I loved him. No matter how much we fought, no matter how much he hurt me, no matter what names he called me, no matter how many times I told him I hated him and that I should have been with someone else…still..my heart was always his. It was so weird to go back there for a couple things I left behind when I moved.

I try not to think about him, because when I do, I feel sad and confused. It should have been me and him forever. I don’t know why things went so wrong, because it really shouldn’t have. A few days ago, he called me at 2:00 am and told me how much he missed me, and that he still had feelings for me. Thankfully I have the virgo ability to shut my feelings off most of the time. It’s only during times like this, when I’m sitting here alone listening to tunes that I really start to think about the past. I hate it when I do this. I let myself feel pain over something that can’t be undone. I know in my heart that being alone is the best thing for me. There is nothing I can do to change my past. I just need to know when to walk away.

I’m just so fuckin sick of walking away from my past though. I wish I didn’t have to run away from things anymore.