9/11/06

I had to put those lyrics on here. They’re words that I can never ever say.

I went out to the bar with Jessica last night, and I started talking about me and Aidan and how we used to fight all the time. Then shortly after that, he showed up at the bar. I was happy to see him. I ran right over and gave him a big hug. Things have been good between us, he came to my bday a couple weeks ago. He even got me a pewter skull candle holder which is really nice.

I wasn’t expecting him to be out last night though. I was wearing the rings he bought me, and I thought for a minute about taking them off so he wouldn’t see. Sometimes I don’t know how I feel about him. Sometimes I think I still miss him and love him somewhere deep inside. I probably always will care what happens to him.

He was out last night with some friends, celebrating one of their bdays. As we walked to Denny’s after the bar closed, she told me he’d called her up a few weeks ago crying about me. He was crying about how he fucked up a good thing with me, and that he’d really loved me. I can’t even really put into words how that made me feel. To hear that he still did, even though he put me through hell and told me repeatedly that he didn’t love me anymore. That part just fuckin broke my heart. When I think about those last few weeks as we were falling apart, it makes me sad, and pissed off. He was the love of my life, and he just threw it away like a selfish child.

We broke up at the end of February. Now it’s the middle of September, and I’m still single. I haven’t even kissed anyone else since then. I’ve barely even looked at anyone else for christs’ sake. It’s like that part of me just vanished. I don’t really know what to do, so I do nothing. I just go to work, and concentrate on that. Or I sit at home on my computer.

I’m just lost inside…

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Also I would like to say something else before I end this entry. Since the date has now changed and become September 11, 2006, 5 years after the 9/11 tragedy, I would like to take a moment to remember those thousands of innocent people who were lost that day. We will never forget.