1/18/08

I’m pretty sure that Jay and I are in the process of breaking up.

Things have been weird since I got back from seeing him 2 1/2 weeks ago, which caused my anxiety attack before. I’ve had the worst feeling ever since I came home that I just had to go back and see him. Well, about a week ago, something happened to him but he won’t tell me what it is. He said he had an interesting day, and that it was ‘educational’ for him, but he couldn’t tell me what it was because it was a long story and there was stuff still going on. He started talking about needing money all the time. He has been distant ever since I came home but it seems to be much worse now. He told me it was nothing that I needed to be concerned about.

For the past couple days, I’ve had the horrible feeling in my chest that we’re going to break up. I took off a whole week of work so that I could go visit him, and when I told him that, he said it’s not that he didn’t want to see me but he is going through alot of things right now, and that his ‘head is a mess’, and that he’s confused about who he is and what he’s doing. When I asked him if it had anything to do with us, he said it kinda is.  He still says he cares about me alot.

Now, I’m not the kind of girl who likes to beat around the bush, I like to get straight to the heart of the matter and deal with stuff. I’m supposed to call him tomorrow so we can deal with things, and my heart is a mess. It’s pretty obvious to me that we’re going to break up, and my heart is divided on what to do. I really don’t want to lose him from my life becuz I do care about him. I don’t know why guys keep running away from me, I’m a great catch. He totally pursued me and I let my guard down and allowed myself to have feelings for him. And now here we are, two months in and everything has completely changed and I don’t know why.

For weeks I’ve been missing him so much and all I want to do is kiss him and hold him, but now it feels like I’ve lost him and for no good reason. I haven’t eaten in two days, and I can’t sleep. I know guys like to deal with stuff in a different way, often they’ll get all distant and want to deal with stuff by themselves. I just want to tell him to take his time, that he doesn’t owe me an explanation and that I’m there for him no matter what. And that when he’s ready, I want to come see him for a couple days.

I hate this sickening feeling in my heart, knowing that he’s slipping away, especially because we were so amazingly happy at this time last month. It’s even worse because something awful has happened to him and he won’t tell me what it is. All I want to do is help him but I can’t.

God this hurts. Why does this keep happening in my life? Do I not deserve to have a happy, stable relationship with a man? I’m turning 28 this year, and the last time I had a long term relationship was 2 years ago. I’d finally found a guy that I was compatible with and we have so much in common it’s eerie. And now once again, I find it slipping out of my grasp. The only thing I’ve ever truly wanted in my life was to find true love. I want to love a man and have him love me back just as much. Is that really too much to ask?