waiting to

we gather around sometimes to watch the sunset over the airport. the wall length windows lead to a runway of purple,pink,orange and blue clouds that roll like oceans before turning to darkness. i found myself sending my wishes in to the sky, as i wait on people i went to high school with. valedictorian, with special honors and engagement rings on their way to the mountains to take a break from their perfect lives. all i needed was a self esteem boost while people ask me what was wrong. when i tell them im waiting on people from high school, they look at me sympathetically, telling me how they hate that and how unfortunate it is for me. my manager tells me he didnt go to school, and one day, with lots of hard work, i could be just like him. i told him i wanted to kill myself.
being embarassed was my own way of dealing with it. for all they knew, i was going to school somewhere in the city and this was just my night job to get me through my last year of college, or maybe just making some extra cash for christmas. but i know whats true, and i know whats not, and this is the first time i have ever been embarassed by the truth. i wanted to crawl up and hide from what ive become, from my life, from the people who want nothing from me, except for me to get them everything they want, everything that makes them more comfortable on their journey to exotic islands and romantic countries.
everyone says im only 20, with so much more of life to live, i know that, i know this. i know the years and the days and the minutes that have passed, that have put me here and i know there are more to come that will lead me somewhere else, or keep me chained here for lack of any place better to go. i know that things get easier, or they get harder, and i get older, and i will grow up, and settle down, or keep switching up, and there is not enough time to waste any of it, and before we know it, its over.
i was smoking in the stairwell at work, and a friend comes in, asks what i am doing, looking in to my eyes, and i told him i am just waiting to die. he looked hurt, he told me i dont want to die. he was right, i dont want to die. but isnt that kind of what we are all doing since we are born.. waiting to die? thats how it ends, thats how it always ends and there is no way out of that.
such as there is no way out of this right now.
i welcome the new year.