the things i cant forget.

it’s been a long time since i have yearned for a blank page. i rarely look to the past, but i find myself today going through all the old feelings, old words, old thoughts that have brought me here today. i read entries upon entries of confusion and indifference, of a little girl trying to feel the whole world. those days were filled with constant hurt and heartache and hope for the future that had held so much possibility to a little girl stepping in to a big unknown world.  im so much older know, in so many different ways, but i can still feel the pain that fills up these pages. im shaking and remembering and hating and hurting and i know more than anything that there is a difference between being in love and loving andmy heart used to be so full of feelings i couldnt understand so id try to forget them, let them go, pretend they never happened. and in a split second, all these years crept up on me, overwhelmed me, knocked me down a notch or two, put me back in  that world i used to know, where i knew nothing except how i felt, constantly decieved by all the people i thought i knew. everyday i live my life like ihave put the past behind me, i pretend that i am smarter now,like it all makes sense and i have let it go. but what i should remember is how easily it comes back, a picture, a word, a name andi am back in that same place. i am back to that scared little girl thats world was falling apart, who found an undescribable comfort in this city that has sucked me in. it was only a few years ago that robyn and i had decided that this is where we were supposed to be as those players held up that trophy and we had felt that the world had fallen in to its natural order and although we were far from our path in life, we would some how be okay. and here i am this year, after this long season that has flown by and i am trying to find comfort in it still, if we win,this is where i am supposed to be. day by day i dont look back, but today the past has completely trampled me, brought me back to that girl i wasnt supposed to be. i cant get the places, the faces, out of my head,i cant figure out the whys and the hows still to this day. and everyday i wake up thinking this is where i should be because i have blocked out the things that have gotten me here, but in reality i have forgotten the past mostly out of fear and unanswered questions. and i still hold on to the collages and the notes and the pictures that every other day i can pretend ive let go of, but today the past has snuck up on me and i am shaking and crying, and hating and hurting.

all these years later i thought id forget, i thought id let go by now, but its days like this i remember why i am here.
and how.