the reason is this.

it’s amazing how one minute changes the thoughts in your head, your worries, your hopes, your fears. every second of every minute of your life is different, your mind is endlessly consumed  by things that have never before crossed your mind.

when that test was positive, i needed another. and another. and was confirmed at least 6 times in total. and everytime sent the oddest feeling through my body. this feeling made so many other feelings trivial, made me question so many aspects of my life, a feeling that scares you beyond belief. the thought of failure constantly enters your mind, replaced by tears, replaced by chills, replaced by an unexplainable content-ness. it somehow makes everything that has happened to you make a little more sense, all the things you constantly wonder why about. you think ‘oh yeah, this is what everything i endured has brought me to’. everything you’ve seen, everything you’ve done, everything you’ve tried to forget, everything you regret, everything that makes no sense, everything you hate yourself for.

it’s the biggest comfort thinking that it all happened for a reason.

and i may finally have my reason.