once upon a time

i remember it like it was yesterday
like a vivid dream colored tyedye and suited to fit
in to my forever anxious, tense, and anxiety driven world
where i could finally relax
finally breathe
finally belong.
i was never the only one
that saw this safe place for what it appeared to be
heaven, ecstacy, freedom
through rose-colored glasses,
the best hiding spot when you never wanted to be found,
the best place to be out of your mind.
the door was always open,
people came and went as they pleased.
towards the end i wanted to yell at these people,
tell them they dont belong there
that they needed to go home
they needed to go back to school,
and only a few of us truly belonged.
the freshmen, the s crew, the screts told
and promises made prior to us all
losing direction in our lives.
specifically i remember jesus and his long hair
and bandana
and the way hed look at me when i was tripping
and how he never knew that he had been my best friend
and at one point i needed him.
that he thought no one understood him,
that he was unreadable, unknown
but to me he was like
the back of my hand.
he always knew he was the leader,
that people would always follow him
that he would always be right
and with him nothing could go wrong.
i still keep his note in my wallet
the one he hid when he came to visit
me,
and more than once since then
has made me cry.
and soon the other boy had decided to stay
and make that place his home
while i was falling in love with insanity
and substance, and life.
and hiding.
specifically i remember his bed
and blackness
and strobelights
and beer pong tables
with pictures of stars and names
and a future that didnt matter,
couldnt matter,
unforeseen.
ecstacy was the day watching the sun come up by the river,
another year gone by for me
and i wondered when id start moving on
when we would all grow up
find importance in the things that
were truley important
but never mattered.
but more specifically i remember
skynard back in town,
and halloween,
and picking up, and dropping off,
feeling important, and fucked up
and out of control,
and almost happy,
and finally safe, and almost invincable.
and everyday would slip into the rest
the way he slipped in and out of my life
never caring
never trying
not like i did.
id always keep going back to that place
as if time stood still and nothing would ever change
and i always found myself
unplesantly suprised.
the faces grew in to strangers
even the ones that i knew somehow seemed changed,
colder,
as if id never belonged
as if theyd forgotten how much easier
it all used to be
or how much
life held possiblilty.
and while it all started falling in to nothing
i was trying to hold on to something
that one thing,
just him.
but like something that never mattered,
never happened,
like someone nonexistent,
worthless,
i was forgotten when in need the most.
and i mourned today
for a time now long ago,
a time ignored,
a time forgotten,
to everyone except me.

its just never as easy
for me.