nothing.

i went back to 2002 and remembered what it was like to write for release. almost everyday i sat down at the computer (so many different ones throughout the years) and spilled my guts. and i always felt better. god i miss that.

now, writing is almost tedious. i force myself to do it. i force myself because i know i am going to look back and wonder. i know i am going to have such a hard time with the details. i wont remember what it was like raising cory as an infant. i wont know the precise details of how dj and i’s relationship progressed. i wont remember how i felt at 24, which is much like 23. my excuse, really is that nothing really changes. of course, the firstn 8 months of cory’s life has been filled with so much growth and activity, but one day i know it will be a blur.

i miss my run on setences. i miss all the punctuation that i know would be scribble in red my mrs. camody. i miss the excitement of entries that are hard to remember who they were about. i was so vague, on purpose, but every word had feeling behind it. i have spiraled books filled with scribbles and that is how i account for my life. if i want to remember what was happening i would have to remember who i was dating, or liked, and later, where i was living. everyday there was a new possibility, a boy, a job, a place to move, a future to plan.

however, now there are few decisions to be made. few chances of luck or change. all we really want to do is move, but without money nothing is possible. it doesnt even matter where. the baby is crawling and we need to get out of this box. but its still me and him together, and usually happy with one another. other times we just tolerate one another and not too often we cant even do that. we will get married one day. i believe that. and cory will grow up, and we will help him. i will get older and dj will be oldest and things will probably be much the same.

and i can tell in my writing from when i first started that i believed so much was possible.

and then, one day, i stopped.