never.relaxed.

i wear my pain. i carry it around with me, day in, day out. every mistake i made, all the things i hide, all the things i try to forget. it may leave my head, but it will never leave me. the places ive been, the things ive seen, the things ive done, my whole past  remains with me, embeded deep within my muscles, my shoulder blades, my spine. some days i cry in agony, most days i just grin and bare it, hide behind my sarcastic pessimism, and fake, crooked smile. i know how everyone is sick of hearing me complain about it, so i have been keeping it a secret, locked up inside the pain. its a reminder that i keep with my, like an open wound, to help me remember i am not the person i want to be, relaxed, cool, collected. i am reminded that with every breath, every move, every day when i wake up. i have the weight of the world on my shoulders and even when everything is good, my shoulders never go down, my breath is never peaceful, my mind never stops. i will forever be uncomfortable in my own body, i will never be relaxed.

i will never let it go.

              because it follows me.
it’s constantly a part of me.
it comsumes my being.
this, this is me.