inside wants out.

my mind is still going even when i sleep. takes me to places i never let my concious thoughts travel to. sometimes i wonder if that is why i am always so tired, so drained, because i am never at rest. i dont know how to relax, my mother tells me. how to sit and breathe and listen to nothing. because there never is nothing in my head, there never is nothing around me because i find thought in everything. when this all began, i dont know. but it brings me to doubt everything and everyone at one point or another.
perhaps that is why i often surrond myself with simple people. people who dont see much other than what is put in front of them, people whose thoughts never reach beyond the current moment, the weekend, only the things they have control over. i never wanted to be a simple person, but i never saw myself being so complicated, either. i always wanted to be happy, but i didnt want to have to remind myself to be, or why i should be, or what may happen if im not. i have never tried so hard before, tried so hard for what comes to so many others naturally.
i never feel naked, exposed. i never feel as if anyone has seen all of me, even if they have been inside of me, even if they have read my words or heard my thoughts. for once i want to feel raw.
for once i want to smile, really smile, without talking myself in to it.