himself.

He isn’t what we expected. Most parents don’t spend every waking hour worrying they are making the right decisions, doing the right things, fighting the right battles. They don’t worry about the long term damage of giving in or fighting against or ignoring the situation. They don’t worry that the other kids are going to bully, hurt, shame. They don’t hear that maybe God made them the wrong way. Saying no, but with no good reason except how other people are going to feel, react, act. How do you keep saying what they want is wrong and when asked why, no good reasons come to mind. Everyday is so damn hard, to say nothing of all the secret and not so secret let downs. There are days when I know that he has to fight his own battles to be himself, let him learn the hard way, decide if it’s worth it to him. I never want him to be ashamed of what he can’t seem to change.

People are afraid of what they don’t understand. Especially 8 year olds. I got sick of saying no. He could see right through my excuses, could see straight through my fear.

But the teachers aren’t supposed to laugh at students, he says, carrying his purse in to school. He comes back for an extra kiss, an extra second of security. And I say an extra prayer. For him, for me, for all the people I have to worry about and their reactions. And I wonder, why do I always have to say NO, why do I have to put everyone else’s feeling before his, why can’t we all just be who God made us, barbies and all?