full head, heavy heart, jilted conscious.

maybe if i clear my mind i will be able to go to sleep soon. knowing you have to be up in 5 hours really sucks when you cant imagine sleep.

i cant help but  think about what is going to happen next. something big has to happen, things cant stay this way. and god, the future scares me. i thought maybe if i hadnt left school the thought wouldnt haunt me so bad. but i have come up with the conclusion that college just puts it off. its four more years you can be okay with not knowing what you are going to do with your life. procrastinating. letting the future seem like light years away was probably really helpful for me in school. of course, i am not talking about everyone. some people should be in school and graduate and fulfill their dreams. but anyway, i guess everyone worries about the future, but i cant spend the next 2 years without doing something about it.

christmas depresses me. it took me a while to figure out why i started crying when the 25 days of christmas commercial came on on abc the other day. its because christmas is at the end of the year. 2006 is almost over, a year i will have lived in pittsburgh, a year has gone by since i have done anything to help my future, just my present. a year has gone by since i ran far away and vowed never to go back. christmas symbolizes the end to me, and i know with every end there is a begininng, but i dont know when it will begin, and i dont know what to do about it. something must happen. it has to.

he asked me if id ever been in love, really, truely in love. he wanted me to know what he was going through.
 he expected me to say no. he expected me not to avert my eyes. but i told him it was a long time ago, and i only think about it once a day. he wanted me to feel his pain, to give himself an excuse for his words, actions, thoughts. i wanted to tell him that she doesnt love you, and im the best thing you’ve  got going right, you shouldnt fuck this up, because at least i care. and i dont want to call you my boyfriend, so erase that thought in your head. i just want you to talk to me, listen the way that you have, hold me sometimes. is that so much to ask? once you are in love with someone, you never stop loving them but you cant put your life on hold waiting for someone to not lie to you, to want you back. contrary to what they say i think you need to move on before you can get over anyone,and call me a pessimist but just because you thought it was ment to be, doesnt mean it ever for one second was. life goes on, and you must too. we can just be friends but dont look at me the way you do. the only thought im left with is sometimes your smile is the most beautiful thing ive seen in a while.

money. money. money. christmas. bills.presents.money. broken car. food.money. sometimes i think my head is going to explode when i think about how i am going to manage christmas. why couldnt it just wait another month. let me get caught up. but sometimes i dont worry. the other night i found myself saying something to my mom that seemed to put her mind at ease. i told her that we’d make it work. thats what you do, somehow you just do what you need to do. that you cant worry about it, it will work itself out. that far worse off people make it work everyday, because thats just what you do. i remind myself this over and over again. that for most people it never gets easier. debt, loans, dreams, life. everyone has money problems. thats what we all have in common, isnt it? that money keeps you up at night. money starts the fights. money causes the wars. money needed, money needed, money needed to save the world. but can money buy life?

You grow up and you have all these dreams. Then one day you wake up and you don’t have dreams anymore.- i found this in my diary from high school that was said by an wise old black man. the only other person that knows my biological father, other than my mom. not that that part has any relevance, but it comforts me.

my mind keeps drifting. i need to sleep now.