$failure$

 it’s official, i’m a failure. i’m sitting there, haggard and despaired, weary and tired and chasing my slightly wet, naked 2 year old around the slightly freezing living room and i just want to burst in to tears. i can’t imagine what my thought process was when i thought it would be okay, maybe even a good idea, to have a child. other than the obvious, that i was already pregnant, i can’t quite figure out what made this child hating young adult decide to go through with it. who was it fair to? not him, and maybe not me. i expected to much out of myself, stuff that i don’t feel i can accomplish even after all this time. i can’t get the patience thing down and i can’t control the tone of my voice. i can’t stop myself from admitting defeat in soaking wet jeans sitting in the middle of my floor, crumbling in to a ball of stress because he just isn’t in the mood to put his sleeper on. all the feelings i’ve been piling up the past few days just want to boil over. the shitty job, the irs’s lies about when they are going to give me my freaking tax return, welfare not doing their part of processing the millions of pages of information i have to give them every 6 months. the lack of heat, the lack of propane to cook and dry clothes. the bills i can’t pay because of the money i should have had days ago. and to make it even better, i hear ‘patience is a virtue. just be patient’. when i am told that i am recvieiving a 3rd of what i made last year on a pretty little card on a certain day, i can’t quite help making lists and making plans and getting excited about actually leaving the house to do something other than grocery shop. to buy myself a little something i’ve had my eye on. to buy stuff we need for the house and a present for my very understanding man who has been supporting my pyscho ass. not to mention work that desperately needs done on the car and debt that ive had since i was pregnant with cory, the bank who calls me at least 5 times a day. the big box of diapers i have been putting off buying, new pajamas that cory needs. shoes without holes for me, and maybe pants that fit for my new job. patience. i can’t  understand how anyone can tell me i just need to be patient. except for the fact that they just don’t understand. they aren’t in my shoes. they haven’t been working little or not at all for the past 2 months and been slowly sinking in to a depression that only a nice sum of money could drag me out of. i’m not saying money buys happiness, and i am certainly not a greedy person. but when all your problems are due to the lack of money, there’s a very easy fix when given the proper tools. so all i can do is continue to call the 1-800 number. all i can do is cross my fingers. check google to see if anyone else got their money who filed the same day. maybe i am a bad person, maybe i need a life, or at least a new outlook on one. maybe i am a sad individual who relied far too much on my tax return. maybe i put too  much hope and faith in something that is not even close to being within my control. this is all true, i know that. but that’s all i got, i don’t have anything else.