deadendlife.

 could this be it? could i have finally hit rock bottom because i can’t open my eyes without crying and ive been beat down lower than i knew possible. in this world where you are guilty until proven innocent and you have no chance to defend yourself as people continue to shit  on me and drag my name through the mud, and isn’t this slander to say i am something i’m not? i’m a lot of things, a lot of bad things, but i am not a thief and i have never stolen anything except hearts and glances and kisses. i’m at the point where i just want to give up and their are all these eyes looking at me, wanting something when i have nothing left to give and how can i take care of anyone else when i so clearly can not even take care of myself. i’m sick of asking for help and being bailed out because i am a pity party that everyone is attending and they tell me to smile, that god wont give me more than i can handle and i will get through this. but the truth is, i don’t know if i want to because i know soon i will have to go through something else and i’m not sure i have the strength to keep getting up when i fall. i have little power over anything anymore, i am powerless to addiction and pain and dirty accusations and you can’t make people believe you if they dont and it’s funny how quickly they will join the other team instead of defending what is right. in the past 25 years i have ruined a life ten fold that could have went so well for someone else. perhaps someone else would have taken words and ran with them instead of drowning in them and they would have become the writer i always wanted to be and they wouldn’t have quit and dropped out and gave up- they would use their power for good instead of using it to hide behind a few times a year.  writing was all i had once, and i thought it was all i needed. i thought i could make something of me one way or another, that i didn’t need to learn, that i already knew what i needed to know to be who i wanted to be. and who am i now? i am a bunch of used to be’s. i used to be a poet, i used to be a friend, a student, i used to be a dreamer. now i am just another drop-out with a baby stuck in dead ends with no end in sight and i am so fucking afraid that i will never be anything more than i am at this very second.

and if thats the case, i give up.