7/4/07

i turn 21 in
27 days
and my mind is stretching
all sorts of ways.
i wake up countless times
throughout the night
dreaming of falling, of drowning,
of my boyfriend cheating,
of carnival like situations
and people in wheel chairs.
i wonder how far outside the city
you have to be
for there to be no silver bars
behind the glass doors
of the closed stores.
i tell them i appreciate the sunset
because i can always find hope in it
although these days i am afriad of
finding myself in a cardboard box
down by the river.
the place i had to fall back
on, to get me out of my current hell,
refuses because of
my mood swings,
because i go against everything they are trying
to accomplish,
but i can stand in the kitchen for ten dollars an hour.
i almost didn’t want to leave cleveland
until i saw the my window had been punched in,
my car torn apart
and between my sobbing, all i heard
was my mom saying that whoever it was was high
and they were just looking for another hit,
another rock,
and that it happens to all of us, at one time,
our peronal property being taken,
our sense of security taken away.
today i was reminded of the time
i woke up to a boy taking my pants off
after throwing up 151 for hours
and how it all had been blamed on me.
and today i thought about my old roomate
and how much i do miss her
when i hear tool or sublime or rob zombie
blast through the airwaves
and i want so much to pick up the memory
of us and hug it till i am
blue in the face
(she says the hard feelings are gone).
it’ll be a year next month that i have been
‘off the powder’,
something i always silently commend 
myself for,
now i just spend the days
stoned, like before,
a little sleepy, a little hungry,
sometimes irritable.
someone told me they like me
so much better in a good mood,
as if that is something i can help
as if i choose to be unhappy,
she told me i was more fun
and asked if i was in
a good mood when i met his parents.
i still miss my friends
who i will never see again
and still i pretend
that i ever had a choice.
and that one chili pepper song,
about ‘me and my two favorite allies’,
still puts knots in my stomache
and i get acid flashbacks
that can bring me to tears.
all the things i want to forget, 
i never will,
and i should be grateful because then
i would be left with nothing.
in 27 days i will be
21,
and the only thing
i really have going for me
is waking up every morning
listening to him tell me how beautiful i am.
and i wonder if this is how i will spend
the next 21 years,
years filled up with nothing but
pointless memories
and random thoughts.
in 27 days i will be 21
and these are the thoughts in my head.