03/01/2010

i have always written to release the thoughts and demons in my head. now i pop pills and scream it out. when the fetal position looks appealing i know i feel too much, so i swallow and wait for it to kick in. the missing piece, the sanity, the happiness, the energy. it used to be all about feelings that had me going down, now its the mundane stuff like money and job issues, home repairs, and car problems. now it is reality that makes me suffer, not just the thoughts in my head that have always haunted me from then, and before then, and even pretty close to now. i have few people i can spill my guts to, and that makes me so lucky, but no one can understand because they werent there, or they would take offense, or there is no possible way they could understand how i feel and what i went through and how far i have come. i crave to be alone these days, and empty, quiet house, where i leave the tv off and take in the silence and the cars passing by. looking out the window only makes me want to drive far, far away. but an hour isnt always enough and i am always needed at home now. i thought that the people who wished for one day of peace and quiet over everything was crazier than i am, when all i would wish for was new experiences and far away journeys. now i long for days with no talking, no crying, no screaming, no needing. somedays i want to need no one and i want no one to need me.

but now i will always be needed. the silence will only come in short waves and the peace will become more nonexistent as time goes by. its funny, because i used to think i was lonely, now i forget quite what that feels like, unless it is for friends or laughs or memories. i always dreamed of not working and now i wish i could go back, do something, be someone. someone other then someones mother or stay at home house wife. i wouldnt trade my family in for any peace or quiet in the world, but i dont feel like i have me anymore. i have looking for jobs for him, waiting with him for him to start working again, i have dirty diapers and constant feeding, rocking, swinging, fussing, loving. i have phone calls to wonder how they are doing. appointments to keep it all going.

i have to get off the computer because my day has been cut short.

again.

where am i?

who is me?