3 years 5months 15 days

It has been 3 years 5 months and 15 days since my last entry. I have come here several times during that span to re-read and re-evaluate my past, my feelings and my goals.

Weird and kind-of stupid. A diary is just a list of current or past events that happened (or didn’t) dreams that I had (or didn’t) and random shit that I didn’t want to say to a live person which would have undoubtedly sent me on a very long padded cell vacation. I am so glad that I deleted what I did and then had the courage to start again, and again, and again… and now again.

I have decided that I need to write. I need to write it out. I need to write it down, and get it all out of my head, so that I may actually see it leaving and let it all pass away.

To that end tonight (this morning) I need to write this…

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you.

You have hurt me and continue to do so every day.

I do not forgive you

You make me feel like a failure.

I do not forgive you

You hurt me and continue to do so every day.

I do not forgive you

Every thought I have about you and even those without you make me hate you more.

I do not forgive you for humiliating me.

I do not forgive you for leaving me alone.

I do not forgive you because you have never meant to apologize.

I do not forgive you because I do not have to and even if I did I still do not forgive you.

I do not forgive you

The things you have done are yours and not mine.

 I do not forgive you

I didn’t do them, I have so many things of my own that I will never be forgiven for.

I do not forgive you for making me hate you

I do not forgive you for staring in my nightmares

I do not forgive you for anything

I do not forgive you for breathing

I do not forgive you because I cannot forget you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you

I do not forgive you, any of you

and I never will.