Wow

     Today was ok. Ryan visited me two days in a row, Monday and Tuesday. It made me really happy. I don’t really feel like talking about him right now. I know I could write every detail of my life, but I think diaries are about figuring stuff out and writing down ur emotions. I think that’s more important.

      Ryan didn’t visit me today though and it bothered me. I know it shouldn’t, but I was a little upset. I was talking to Butternuts on the phone as I was talking to STeve on msn. He finally said something about the whole facebook thing. He said it was "too much to have on facebook". I guess I understand. He’s a very private person.

      We had a big conversation and he sent me an email that brought me to tears. While Steve and I were still together, Chris sent me an email with a really bad picture of me in it. Steve was taking a class on it at the time, and he figured Chris had photoshopped it so I would look worse. Steve got some ridiculously high mark in that class and he knows a lot about it, so I think he was probably right. In the message Chris sent, he said something along the lines of, "I just thought your new boyfriend should see the way you used to look before you were with him" or something like that. It made me really mad. The response I sent him was this:

You know, the first time Steve ever kissed me, I was covered in horse shit, wearing overalls and a baggy t-shirt, hadn’t showered in three days, and hadn’t brushed my teeth in a day and a half. Not to mention I wear my glasses all the time when I working at the ranch. Not to mention that at the beginning of our relationship I lost my deoderant and had no way of getting more. It’s a wonder he even became attracted to me at all! Steve and I have been together for eight months now. I’m not quite sure exactly what you meant when you said, "what I used to look like". I look the same as I always have. I just happen to wear contacts and dress nicely once in awhile. (on days off only- you can only look so nice when you work with horses all day). lol.

     I just wanted you to know that Steve and I aren’t together because of any physical reason. We have an equal, sharing relationship. I don’t use him to get what I want, and he doesn’t use me for sex, or demand any sexual act from me in any way.

     I want you to know that you are not the only person who has seen me look like crap. I know for a fact, that Steve is one of the only people who has seen me at my very worst. He loves me for who I am, not what I look like.

     Steve found it in his email somewhere I guess. He sent it to me to make me feel better, and it really did. There’s more to me than all this. I’m in here, I’m in this body somewhere, and I’m worth caring about. Oh god, I’m crying all over again. I need to love myself again, but this time, not because someone else does. I need to just love myself. What an amazing person Steve is. He knows just how to say the right thing. Why can’t I be more like that? He’s unbelievable. He deserves that ugly chick…he can have whatever he wants. I want him to be happy.

*shakes head and sobs* wow. I don’t know if Ryan really cares, I don’t think he does. He’s a good person, maybe he’s for me, maybe not. I don’t know.

     That email just made me …I don’t know. Words just can’t quite describe. I know it’s me that wrote it…but I don’t know. I truly can’t explain. There’s no words really. I don’t even know if anyone reading this will get it. Probably not. I think it was what I really needed to hear. I’m not sure what to do with it though. I think it’s starting. I think maybe a small piece of me came back, but I have a long way to go. It’s something to build on. I don’t even think sharing this with anyone will help me…I think just me and Steve are the only ones that get it fully.

Nope, no words. Nothing. (notes are welcome as always tho, lol.)